Me: Reid, you farts smell TOXIC. When was the last time you pooped?
Reid: I pooped on the floor.
Me: Maybe you didnt hear me, I asked WHEN was the last time you pooped?
Reid: I pooped on the floor, in the living room.
Me: WHEN? When did you drop a deuce in the living room?
Reid: I pooped on the floor in the living room, on......Friday?
Me: Yeah, that sounds about right. Why dont you go take a shit in the kitchen.

Me and the boys in the car:

Reid:Fiiinnnnn. Don't put your lizard in that hole.
Me: What hole is he putting it in?
Reid: FIIIINNNNNN! Don't do it!
Me: WHAT HOLE?!?!

*silence*

Me: Okay, as long as he isn't putting the lizard in his nose, or his asshole, I dont care...or your nose or asshole.
Finn: Its not in my nose, and its not in my mouth, and its not in my wiener, and its not in my ass-butt. Okay mom? Its a hole in the door.


Finn: Why is Dad you husband?
Me: Because, he is the man I chose to married, and have kids with, and grow old with.
Reid: Oh, ok. And, you got your wish!
Me: What wish?
Reid: You married him, and had kids, and now your old.

Happy Mutha's Day, all you mutha's!