Father Son bonding

Reid: Dad?

Miah: *turns down the radio*
Yeah Bud?

Reid: what does "serpentine" mean?

Miah: snake like.

Reid: okay...can you turn it back up?

You know where you are? You're in the jungle baby! You're gonna DIIIIIEEEE!

Farts. The best conversation EVER.

Reid: EEEEEEWWWWW! Gross Finn! Your fart smells like rotten eggs!

Me: all farts smell bad Reid.

Finn: yeah. Except for Jesus's farts.

Me: Jesus's farts don't smell bad?

Finn: No. Well, YOU know.

Me:?

Finn: ALL angels farts smell good.

Me: They do?

Finn: Yeah, of course. Like the tooth fairies farts.

Me: What do the tooth fairies farts smell like?

Finn: Chocolate chip cookies.

Me: They DO?!

Finn: Well, every night I lose a tooth, I hear a 'buuuurrttt', and then I smell chocolate chip cookies. So...

Reid: Wow. Great imagination Finn.

Finn: Oh, it's NOT imagination. You'll see.

Lobsters

Finn: Are Starbucks and Target on the same team, like is that why there is a Starbucks in Target?

Me: It's beneficial to both of them. Someone might come in for coffee, and realize they need laundry detergent. Or some one might do their Target shopping, and then want a coffee.

Reid: Kind of like at Albertsons? Like someone might go grocery shopping at Albertsons, and then see the Starbucks and get a coffee, or someone might go to Starbucks for a coffee and remember they need a loaf of bread from Albertsons.

Me: Yeah, kind of the same thing. A little different cause the Starbucks is inside the Target. But, yeah, pretty much.

Finn: Oh, okay, so kind of like a lobster, who lost his shell, and that was the first Starbucks, but then he found another shell, which is the other Starbucks.

Me: ...??????

(Yelling across the house)

Finn: Mooooooom! What makes the "ol" sound?!

Me: you tell me!

Finn: ..."L"? Just "L" by itself??!

Me: That depends. Tell me what word it's in!

Finn: "Asshole!"

Me: what are you doing in there?!

Finn: making a mii guy! His name is asshole!

Look at this

Finn: Mom!!! Get in here you gotta see this!!

Me: what is it?

Finn: just come look!!

Me: what IS it??

Reid: Holy SHOOT mom!! You better come look at this!!

Isn't it purty!!!  I know it.  I was a birthday gift from my father in law :)  Of course I put it on right away, and haven't taken it off.  So sweet of my children to notice...

Finn:  Mom, I am really glad you got that necklace.

Me: I know!  Me too! It so beautiful huh!

Finn:  Yeah, I am just really glad you have it, ya know, in case of emergencies.

Me: ?  I dont see how its going to help out in an emergency...

Finn: Ya know, if you fall...and you cant get up...you can push that button...and someone will come and help you.

*****crickets*****

Reid:  He thinks it a life alert, Mom.

Me:  Yeah, I got it thanks.


Fuck, kid.  I may do an inordinate amount of falling, but I can typically, get myself back up.  Thanks for your concern, dude.

It has been SOOOO long since I posted.  My family is still quite entertaining (see, infuriating), but I've just been putting their shit on FB.  Which is WAY easier, but doesn't give me the permanent record.  So, I am back. Cause these dudes need to be able to look at this when they're grown, cause Kristina said it will make them think I am cool...or, quite possibly THE WORST MOM EVER.  Lucky for you guys, I don't give a fuuuuuuck.  I also apparent set up a FB page for this shit, some time ago, so I might get that crap going.  Now, speaking of poop...

Finn:  hey guys, guess what?!  Wast night, my poop made an "e"!

Reid:  an upper case "E"?

Finn: no!  A wower case "e"!  Duh.

Reid: oh, sorry, I am F wording tired.

Finn: yeah, my F wording neck hurts.

Reid: F word.

All I am sayin' is that if you don't have kids, and your planning on having some, you better get over ALL you insecurities reeeeeal quick like. Cause those little fuckers, speak the truth, and you cant take it personally. Or you will have a fucking mental break down.



Finn: Hey Mom, Reid has a boney butt, and you have a bloody butt.

Me: Bloody? There blood? On my butt?

Finn: No, its bloody, cause its fat, its full of blood.

Me: ???

Finn: What? Your butts fat. *shrugs*

Me:?

Finn: What? You have a fat. butt.

Me: *head tilt* ???

Finn: What??? Why are you looking at me like that? I am just saying, you have a fat butt. Its fat. your butt. Its pretty fat.

On the election...

Reid: I have always thought that name was cool. "Baracko". Don't you think.

Me: Baracko?

Reid: Yeah, Baracko Bama. I like his first name.

Me: Yeah, I guess its pretty sweet.

Reid: What do all the numbers mean? Like " hes up blah blah percent"?

Me: They ask a bunch of people who they're going to vote for, and then they put the percentages on TV, last time I saw it was about 50, 50. Half for Romney, Half for Obama...

Finn: DARK HELMET PLAYS WITH DOLLS.

This is some wisdom from Miah, he's no Finn or Reid, but he cracks my shit up on a regular basis. It's what keeps our marriage going strong...that and his rockin body...and alcohol.



At the Legoland water park, floating down the lazy river:




Miah: What's with all the "rules" at this water park? You have to sit a certain way in the tubes? There weren't rules like this at the water parks I went to as a kid.

Me: I am sure there are now. If they're in CA. You might be able to go to West Virgina, or Kentucky for some lawless water park fun.

Miah: Can you fuck your sister there?

Me: Yeah, I don't see why...wait, at the water park?

Miah: Yeah.

Me:  I mean, sure, I guess, maybe it depends on the county?

Miah: But no brother on brother?

Me: Of course not! Not in the Bible Belt! Sheese.

Wipe my ass

Finn: Can I help you with your Star Wars Legos?

 Reid: If you wipe my butt every time I have diarrhea for the rest of my life?

Finn: hummmmmm, okay! I am in, wets do it.

Finn: Are we high up?

Miah: No, we're at sea level, we're pretty low. You could say, we're in "limbo".

Finn: What's a limo?

Miah: A long shiny black car.

Finn: So we're in a long shiny black car?

 Miah: yep.

Finns advice for the day: "Don't stab your self in the nuts."

The King of Nonsequtiers

Finn: Mom!! I need the symbol, to put on my shirt, so I can be Symbol Man!!

Me: What symbol?

Finn: The purple and yellow one!

Me:What purple and yellow one?

Finn: The purple and yellow on that was in the green and gray thing!!

Me: I literally, have no idea what your talking about.

Finn: Yes you do. Why do you say you don't when I know you do?

Me: I really don't Finn. No clue, none at all.

Finn: Just...forget it Mom. Ill figure it out my self. God.

...................................................................................................

Me: Finn, what dress should I wear tomorrow to your party?

Finn: The one with the polka dots.

Me: The white one? With the red polka dots?

Finn: No. The red one, with the white polka dots.

Me: Remember? I can't find that one.

Finn: Remember? You have two?

Me: Remember? The other one has a hole.

Finn: ....... Chicken Little.

FIN

You can shut it now old lady

Reid: Mom, do you like American Idol?

Me: No, I dont. And Ill tell you why, its not about whos the best singer, its a total poplarity contest. I watched the very first season, and never again after that, because the first season, was (pause)...it was (trying to think of the word)...

Reid: In black and white?

Jesus. Fuck.

And in case anyone missed it. That family photo the screams "love", and also "what stinks?"

A lesson in religion, and by lesson, I mean nothing even resembling a lesson.

Me: whats going on here?




Finn: We're in our bunk beds.

Reid: Oh!! I forgot to pray!

(what in the shit?)

Reid: wanna see how I pray?

Me: Hell yes I do!


............

Me: Thats praying? What are you praying to?

Reid: ya know, to Budda.

duh.

Me: I think you mean meditate? Maybe?


Finn: Yeah!! Mesidate! That what I SAID!









Me: So, thats meditating?

Finn: yep. (slaps my leg) this. (slaps my leg) is mesidateing (slaps my leg again).

Me: Dude, why (slaps me again) are you (slaps me again)
HEY, why are you (slap) HEY!!! What the hell?!? (slap)

Finn: I am using my senses, my eyes are (slapity slap) closed, but I know (slap) that your there (double slap)

ME: yeah, that cause (slap)
HEY!! The next time you slap me, I am gonna slap you back.

Finn: Okay Mom.

Me: And also your doing it totally wrong. Your suppose to sit relax, and breath deeply.





Better. "A" for wide open mouth breathing effort.


Dont fucking slap me again.

So I got a new cell phone. Siri lives in it. Siri is this bitch you can say really fucked up shit to, and she never gets pissed. Sometimes she can help you with shit, like how to get places, how to cook quinoa, texting while driving, making shopping lists, that type of shit. Anyway, Siri was suppose to change my life, and do all my shit for me. Shes not holding up her end of the bargain.

I asked her to remind me about something funny that Finn said. With Siri's help, I was finally going to start blogging again!!! I was going to be able to use her to help me remember all the funny shit for like 2 hours, cause there is no fucking way, I could remember ANYTHING for 2 hours. Well, 3 days later, I go to check it. Heres what it says:

"Blog about James China man and about him asking what Ohlone."

Thanks Bitch. "ohlone"??? Is that even a fucking word? Is it SIRI? IS IT EVEN A FUCKING WORD?*

So, I thought about, for like 2 hours. Ironic, no? And finally remembered what it was. Of course, even the great Finn may fail, after a build up like that, but, here goes:

As I am putting Finn to bed

he has his eyes closed, this far away smile on his face, and hes grabbing at his chest and tossing some invisible something out in the air.

Finn: That was me, throwing hearts to aaaaallllll the girls.

Me: Well isnt that sweet, my little ladies man.

Finn: (smile replaced with scowl. serious. as. shit.) What did you just call me?

Me: Uh, "Ladies Man"?

Finn: (relived) Oh, okay. I thought you called me "China Man"


In the car

Finn: If you are alone, you are all my your self. Right mom?

Me: Yes Finn.

Finn: Mom, what does "alone" mean?

Me: Just what you said. It means you dont have anyone with you, you are all by your self.

Finn: THATS WHAT I SAID.

Me: I KNOW thats what you said, I said you were right.

Finn: I know I am right. (long pause) What does "alone" mean?

Also, he wanted me to know, that when he says the Pledge of Allegiance, instead of saying:

"one nation, under god" he says:

"one nation, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD" Like all, pissy and angry and shit. That should be interesting in Kindergarten.




*It's a Native American Indian tribe, FYI.

Finn, On The Life Of a Busy 4 Year Old;

Finn is sitting in Daddys chair, watching Disney Jr, cuddling Monkey and sucking his thumb.

Finn: (looooong sigh) It a BIG day today.

Me: Oh really, what so "big" about it?

Finn: Ya know Mom, just, lots to do today.

Me: Why? What have you done besides sit on your ass and watch TV today?

Finn: Well, I am just gonna build a lot of machines and stuff, so, its gonna be big.

Hey, MOM. I HAVE TO GO PEE, SO IAM GONNA GO IS THAT OKAY!!!!???

Me: Jesus Finn, yes. I have told you a thousand time you don't have to clear it with me before you piss, and I am RIGHT HERE, so you don't have to yell either.

Finn: (In the bathroom) Okay, go pee, wash my hands and get back to watchin' TV.


On Puppets;

Finn: Hey Mom, Grandma has this finger puppet, its a butterfly!

Me: Cool, sounds pretty.

Finn: Well, actually it a moth, and you have to stick your finger up its butthole.

Reid: Yeah *sigh* sometimes you have to do that.

Thankfully he didn't make mention of the squirrel puppet you have to fist.



On Good Parenting:

Finn: When I grow up, I am NEVER gonna spank my kids.

Me: Oh yeah? Never? You just going to let them do what ever they want?

Finn: No! When they do something bad, I am just gonna kick 'em in the junk.




Reid, On Listening;

Reid: Hey Mom, tell Dad about your day today.

Me: What about it?

Reid: Tell him how busy it was. Like you were telling us in the car.

Me: Oh, he knows how busy it was, he knows allll about it.

Reid: Just tell him, ya know like you told us, like "Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, took a shower, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah.

Me: Clearly that conversation was a waste of time. Is that what you think I did all day? Take a shower.

Reid: Yeah.

Finn scale - 9

Finn: Do you wanna play freeze tag Sammy???

Sammy: meeeeerrroooww.

Finn: No? Yes? No? (laying on top of her) Do you wanna play golf? No? Yeah?

Sammy: MEEERRRROOOWWW

Finn: Oh, okay, you wanna be petted? Like this?

Sammy: MEERRROOOOOOOOW HIIISSSS!

Finn: Oh, okay, like this?

Sammy: HIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Finn: No? Oh, sorry. Like this??

Sammy: MEEEERRRRRROOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW HIIIIIISSSSSSSS!

Finn: Okay, Sammy, Okay, Ill go away.




Finn: Mom you hold this (cardbord wrapping paper tube) and sa-weeze (squeeze) it and sa-weeze it, and if it bends, don't give it back to me, and if it doesn't bend, give it back to me.

Me: Okay (squeezing the tube, bending the tube) it bent. (holding the tube)

Finn: No. Mom! Sa-weeze it, and sa-weeze it, and it if bends..

Me: it did, it bent so I am not giving it back right?

Finn: NO. No, no, no, no, no. HOLD the tube. Okay Mom? SA-WEEZE it and sa-weeze it. If it doesn't bend keep trying.

Me: It did bend. It already did.

Finn: NO. Mom. Will you listen? Sa-weez it. And keep trying to sa-weeze it, and if it bends, don't give it back to me. Understand. Do you understand?

Me: *throws self in to on coming traffic, and head explodes at the same time*