Finn scale - 9

Finn: Do you wanna play freeze tag Sammy???

Sammy: meeeeerrroooww.

Finn: No? Yes? No? (laying on top of her) Do you wanna play golf? No? Yeah?

Sammy: MEEERRRROOOWWW

Finn: Oh, okay, you wanna be petted? Like this?

Sammy: MEERRROOOOOOOOW HIIISSSS!

Finn: Oh, okay, like this?

Sammy: HIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Finn: No? Oh, sorry. Like this??

Sammy: MEEEERRRRRROOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW HIIIIIISSSSSSSS!

Finn: Okay, Sammy, Okay, Ill go away.




Finn: Mom you hold this (cardbord wrapping paper tube) and sa-weeze (squeeze) it and sa-weeze it, and if it bends, don't give it back to me, and if it doesn't bend, give it back to me.

Me: Okay (squeezing the tube, bending the tube) it bent. (holding the tube)

Finn: No. Mom! Sa-weeze it, and sa-weeze it, and it if bends..

Me: it did, it bent so I am not giving it back right?

Finn: NO. No, no, no, no, no. HOLD the tube. Okay Mom? SA-WEEZE it and sa-weeze it. If it doesn't bend keep trying.

Me: It did bend. It already did.

Finn: NO. Mom. Will you listen? Sa-weez it. And keep trying to sa-weeze it, and if it bends, don't give it back to me. Understand. Do you understand?

Me: *throws self in to on coming traffic, and head explodes at the same time*

Finn in the car: Here mom heres a heart for you, I made wif my hands!!
Me: Thank you Finn! Thats so sweet!!
Finn: I will give you all the hearts, of all the dead things I find, ever.

*crickets*


Me: Um, Finn, I appreciate the sentiment, but I dont really want the hearts of a bunch of dead things.
Finn: Haha! No, no ,no Mom! *shakes head* Silly Mom!
Me: Oh, so you didnt mean...
Finn: Not to put inside you. (wait for it)....its for your collection.

AHAHAHHAHAHA!!! This child is terrifying. Happy October ya'll!!!

If you like my "writing*" you can check out my new cooking-ish blog-ish. Healthy Shit.

*rambling and cussing.

Nazis and creative killing (totally unrelated)

Finn: Hey Mom, I was looking in the Nazi part of the car, and..

Me: The what now? The what part of the car?

Finn: The NAZI part Mom. God. You know that Nazi part, where all the stuff I cant touch is. NAZI.

Me: What the hell are you talking about?

Finn: The Nazi part. There is your seat, and Dads seat, and then in the middle there is that spot...

Me: The NOT SEAT part?

Finn: yeah Mom, geeze what did you THINK I was saying!?!




Bedtime. Snuggled up with Finny




Finn: Mom, I don't want you to die. I don't EVER want you to die.

Me: Oh finny, don't worry, I am not going to die!

Finn: But Mom, when I am a grown up, and your old, I don't want you to die! I ll be so sad when you die. If I need you, you wont be there cause you'll be died.

Me: Finn. I am going to be around for a long time, go to sleep, Ill be here in the morning, I promise.

Finn: But...*looking down, sad eyes* what if you get killed by a stone skeleton?

Me: I don't even know what that is. Don't worry about it.

Finn: *lips curling up, slow grin* What if you get died by an invisible monster with a crossbow?

Me: I am not gong to get died by a monster with an invisible cross bow...

Finn: No! HES invisible, not his crossbow *happy eyebrows, full face smile*

Me: Now I am pretty sure your trying to kill me off...

Finn: No Mom, I am really worried!! What if, a Mombie hunts you down and you get run over by a car *bouncing up and down, clapping hands*.

Me: Ooookay, Goodnight!

Finn: OH! Tractors!!! Out of an airplaine!!!

dont be selfish bitches

I am really, really tired, and a little bit drunk, but I wanna post this before I forget, or pass out or vomit or something so here goes:


- Reid thinks bitches who dye their perfectly good brown hair blond are selfish (good luck with him ladies of the world)

- Finn thinks we should be "space family" for Halloween, with your truly as, you guessed it Uranus. It really dosent matter what planets the rest of the family will go as, he was very clear that Mom will be Uranus.

- Reid is pretty sure, that if he could grow out an afro, it would miraculously cure him of nose picking.

Thank you and good night.

fantisies of neglect

Holy shit you guys. Holy. SHIT.

That could pretty much some up my week. Back to school is a dirty, pushy whore with festering herpes. Not school it self mind you, but the entire season, known as "back-to-school". From the first asshole at Walmart, who airs the first commercial in July, to, about Halloween. I know, a lot of Moms LOVE back to school, and maybe, someday, when my kids are at the same damn school, and both there all damn day, I will be able to enjoy it too. But for now, why in the shit would I want to give up sleep in, lazy beach days, for getting up early, endless bitching (from all of us), and being a fucking taxi, in what is ALWAYS the hottest time of year in SD. (When the powers that be can figure this out and let the kids out in July, and back at the end of Sept, I will be so amazed, I will lick my own ass. I will. I swear.)

Anyway, in between all the bitching (okay, okay, mostly me), and tears (me again), and UNHOLY fits being thrown in public, resulting in bite marks, and head lumps (me, on the receiving end of this shit), they have said a few things that have made me smile through my tears.

Finn (on the way home from dropping Reid at school today): Mom, You really need to have another baby.

Me (emotionless from all the meds): Why in the world would I do that?

Finn: Because I NEED another brother. I gotta have another brother. Maybe a couple more brothers. I need more brothers mooooom, I neeeeeeeed some.

Me: Finn if I have another baby, I wont have as much time to spend with you and Reidy.

Finn: I really dont care 'bout that mom. I just need more brothers.

Me: why do you need them so bad?

Finn: Cause Daddy has ALL those brothers, and I want a lot of brothers too. Come on mom. More brothers.

(A special thinks to Kate, Dale, Alan and Jeri, for giving me this standard to live up to)

Reid: Mom, do you know what my favorite day ever would be?

Me: No Reid, what?

Reid: If I got up in the morning, and started playing video games, and then you forgot about me all day, and I played all day long, till Daddy got home, and was like "Wheres Reid?" And you'd be like "Oh! I guess hes still playing video games, I forgot all about him"

Me: so...your best day ever...is if your Mother forgets you exist. That right? I got that right?

Reid: Yeah. Just until the night. Its okay Mom, I wouldn't be mad or anything.


Moral of the stories, my children, not unlike myself, fantasize about being neglected. Cant say I fucking blame 'em. I think we could ALL use a little neglect around here.

Why I do not have, or need a wiener, by Kate McCord, grade 13

It has recently come to my attention, through myself, that I need to write a short essay for my children to read when they get older, so they know exactly how much shit they gave me about not having a wiener, and how much I do not give a shit about having a wiener (this is also for my husband, who is pretty sure I have penis envy).

I will be using the essay format I was taught in school (before I stopped trying, and started partying, so, like what, middle school? Who knows.)

I am a woman. I do not have a dick. That is okay with me. I do not want, or need one. Every time one of my children see me naked, or anytime the subject of pork swords comes up (which, if you read my blog, you will know that is on a very regular basis) they feel the need to ask me why I don't have one, ask me how it is possible to survive without one, and pity me for not having one. This sequence of crank questions is always the same : inquiry, dismay, empathetic sadness.

Getting dressed in my room:

Finn: Mom, why don't you have a pee pee?
Me: For the love of GOD Finn, I do.
Reid: Yeah Finn, remember, she does, it just inside? (pats me on the back, tells me "its going to be okay")

In the car:

Finn: Hey Mom?
Me: What up?
Finn: When is your Pee pee gonna grow out?
Me: Finn, I HAVE a pee pee, it is NEVER gonna "grow out". My pee pee is awesome, it works just fine, and it is called a "vagina". It doesn't hang off my crotch, looking ridiculous, and getting in my way all the time, it is tucked neatly up, and out of the way, and I am very happy with it. Okay?
Finn: Okay.
Mom?
Me: Yes Finn?
Finn: When is your "BAGINA" gonna grow out?


At the store:

Finn: Mom, did your wiener pee pee fall off?
Me: Finn, seriously listen to me. Look at me...LOOK at me. Stay. Listen...wait, LOOK AT ME. Okay, stay, lis...LOOOOOOK AAAT ME! Listen. My pee pee did not fall off. I am not a goddamn amputee. You do not need to feel sorry for me. I am SO not sad that I don't have a trouser snake. It is something I would NEVER think about if you little fuckers didn't bring it up all the time. Chicks. Don't. Have. Dicks. Got it? I am a chick, I don't have a dick. I don't know any other way to get through to you.
Finn: Whats a "trouser snake"?
Albertson's employee: Miss (they totally don't call me "Miss" anymore, they "Mame" me, those assholes, but this is my story so) Excuse me, Miss? We're going to have to ask you to take this conversation outside please. AND, you look WAY to young and beautiful, to have two kids!*

In closing, I'd like to remind my family that I am a woman. I would also like to ask a family with all chicks out there, its it as much fun as I imagine it to be? Do you ladies sit around painting each others toe nails, and brushing each others hair, and watching movies without guns and explosions and blood, and talking about how awesome your uterus's, and ovaries and fallopian tubes are? That's what I imagine, that and a whole lot of PMSing.

*my story fuckers.

Family Dinner Dick Talk

Seems genitalia is the only thing we ever discuss at the family table...and frankly, Id have it no other way.

Reid: Anna is probably gonna have babies
Me: Yeah, why do you say that?
Reid: Because of something tat starts with a "B"
Me: What?
Reid: I cant say it at the dinner table
Me: Its okay, what?
Reid: Its like, right under your tummy...
Me: It starts with a "B"? Or a "V"?
Reid: a "B"
Me: Okay Reid, what, its okay.
Reid: Balls.
Me: Anna is gonna ave babies cause you have balls?
Reid: Yeah.

Okay, I am TOTALLY trippin at this point because I think were are going to have the sex talk right there, at the dinner table, at 6 years old. HOW does this kids know that balls = babies??? Is this a Yo Gabba Gabba that I missed?!

Me: So, uh Reid, why do you think balls have anything to do with babies?
Reid: Well, you said the doctor took off Milo, the cats balls so he cant have babies. But, I still have balls, so me and Anna can still have babies.
Me: Thats right.
Reid: Can I have dessert now?

conversation, over.

later...

Me: Finns pee pee was hurting him at the beach today.
Miah: You know it might have been hurting cause its time for it to fall off.
Reid and Finn: (Stare with mouths dropped open)
Me: Dont listen to him, its not gonna fall off, hes just messing with you.
Miah: No really, its probably time for it to fall off and then you grow a new one.
Reid and Finn: (continue to stare)
Miah: Yeah, ya know like a lizard, loses its tail, and then grows a new one, you loose your wiener and then you grow a new one.
Me: He is totally lying you guys, don't believe him.
Miah: Yeah see, you just pull on it real hard, and it comes off.
Reid: Dad, I have been tuggin' on my wiener for 6 years now, and it hasn't come off yet.
Miah: Well Reid, all I have to say to that is, your not tuggin hard enough.
Silence....(I look around the table and no body hands are visible)
Reid: Its not working Dad
Finn: yeah Dad, not working.

Me: (#143 things I never dreamed I would have to say) Ok, no tugging on your wieners at the dinner table.