You can shut it now old lady

Reid: Mom, do you like American Idol?

Me: No, I dont. And Ill tell you why, its not about whos the best singer, its a total poplarity contest. I watched the very first season, and never again after that, because the first season, was (pause)...it was (trying to think of the word)...

Reid: In black and white?

Jesus. Fuck.

And in case anyone missed it. That family photo the screams "love", and also "what stinks?"

A lesson in religion, and by lesson, I mean nothing even resembling a lesson.

Me: whats going on here?




Finn: We're in our bunk beds.

Reid: Oh!! I forgot to pray!

(what in the shit?)

Reid: wanna see how I pray?

Me: Hell yes I do!


............

Me: Thats praying? What are you praying to?

Reid: ya know, to Budda.

duh.

Me: I think you mean meditate? Maybe?


Finn: Yeah!! Mesidate! That what I SAID!









Me: So, thats meditating?

Finn: yep. (slaps my leg) this. (slaps my leg) is mesidateing (slaps my leg again).

Me: Dude, why (slaps me again) are you (slaps me again)
HEY, why are you (slap) HEY!!! What the hell?!? (slap)

Finn: I am using my senses, my eyes are (slapity slap) closed, but I know (slap) that your there (double slap)

ME: yeah, that cause (slap)
HEY!! The next time you slap me, I am gonna slap you back.

Finn: Okay Mom.

Me: And also your doing it totally wrong. Your suppose to sit relax, and breath deeply.





Better. "A" for wide open mouth breathing effort.


Dont fucking slap me again.

So I got a new cell phone. Siri lives in it. Siri is this bitch you can say really fucked up shit to, and she never gets pissed. Sometimes she can help you with shit, like how to get places, how to cook quinoa, texting while driving, making shopping lists, that type of shit. Anyway, Siri was suppose to change my life, and do all my shit for me. Shes not holding up her end of the bargain.

I asked her to remind me about something funny that Finn said. With Siri's help, I was finally going to start blogging again!!! I was going to be able to use her to help me remember all the funny shit for like 2 hours, cause there is no fucking way, I could remember ANYTHING for 2 hours. Well, 3 days later, I go to check it. Heres what it says:

"Blog about James China man and about him asking what Ohlone."

Thanks Bitch. "ohlone"??? Is that even a fucking word? Is it SIRI? IS IT EVEN A FUCKING WORD?*

So, I thought about, for like 2 hours. Ironic, no? And finally remembered what it was. Of course, even the great Finn may fail, after a build up like that, but, here goes:

As I am putting Finn to bed

he has his eyes closed, this far away smile on his face, and hes grabbing at his chest and tossing some invisible something out in the air.

Finn: That was me, throwing hearts to aaaaallllll the girls.

Me: Well isnt that sweet, my little ladies man.

Finn: (smile replaced with scowl. serious. as. shit.) What did you just call me?

Me: Uh, "Ladies Man"?

Finn: (relived) Oh, okay. I thought you called me "China Man"


In the car

Finn: If you are alone, you are all my your self. Right mom?

Me: Yes Finn.

Finn: Mom, what does "alone" mean?

Me: Just what you said. It means you dont have anyone with you, you are all by your self.

Finn: THATS WHAT I SAID.

Me: I KNOW thats what you said, I said you were right.

Finn: I know I am right. (long pause) What does "alone" mean?

Also, he wanted me to know, that when he says the Pledge of Allegiance, instead of saying:

"one nation, under god" he says:

"one nation, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD" Like all, pissy and angry and shit. That should be interesting in Kindergarten.




*It's a Native American Indian tribe, FYI.

Finn, On The Life Of a Busy 4 Year Old;

Finn is sitting in Daddys chair, watching Disney Jr, cuddling Monkey and sucking his thumb.

Finn: (looooong sigh) It a BIG day today.

Me: Oh really, what so "big" about it?

Finn: Ya know Mom, just, lots to do today.

Me: Why? What have you done besides sit on your ass and watch TV today?

Finn: Well, I am just gonna build a lot of machines and stuff, so, its gonna be big.

Hey, MOM. I HAVE TO GO PEE, SO IAM GONNA GO IS THAT OKAY!!!!???

Me: Jesus Finn, yes. I have told you a thousand time you don't have to clear it with me before you piss, and I am RIGHT HERE, so you don't have to yell either.

Finn: (In the bathroom) Okay, go pee, wash my hands and get back to watchin' TV.


On Puppets;

Finn: Hey Mom, Grandma has this finger puppet, its a butterfly!

Me: Cool, sounds pretty.

Finn: Well, actually it a moth, and you have to stick your finger up its butthole.

Reid: Yeah *sigh* sometimes you have to do that.

Thankfully he didn't make mention of the squirrel puppet you have to fist.



On Good Parenting:

Finn: When I grow up, I am NEVER gonna spank my kids.

Me: Oh yeah? Never? You just going to let them do what ever they want?

Finn: No! When they do something bad, I am just gonna kick 'em in the junk.




Reid, On Listening;

Reid: Hey Mom, tell Dad about your day today.

Me: What about it?

Reid: Tell him how busy it was. Like you were telling us in the car.

Me: Oh, he knows how busy it was, he knows allll about it.

Reid: Just tell him, ya know like you told us, like "Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, took a shower, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah.

Me: Clearly that conversation was a waste of time. Is that what you think I did all day? Take a shower.

Reid: Yeah.

Finn scale - 9

Finn: Do you wanna play freeze tag Sammy???

Sammy: meeeeerrroooww.

Finn: No? Yes? No? (laying on top of her) Do you wanna play golf? No? Yeah?

Sammy: MEEERRRROOOWWW

Finn: Oh, okay, you wanna be petted? Like this?

Sammy: MEERRROOOOOOOOW HIIISSSS!

Finn: Oh, okay, like this?

Sammy: HIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Finn: No? Oh, sorry. Like this??

Sammy: MEEEERRRRRROOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW HIIIIIISSSSSSSS!

Finn: Okay, Sammy, Okay, Ill go away.




Finn: Mom you hold this (cardbord wrapping paper tube) and sa-weeze (squeeze) it and sa-weeze it, and if it bends, don't give it back to me, and if it doesn't bend, give it back to me.

Me: Okay (squeezing the tube, bending the tube) it bent. (holding the tube)

Finn: No. Mom! Sa-weeze it, and sa-weeze it, and it if bends..

Me: it did, it bent so I am not giving it back right?

Finn: NO. No, no, no, no, no. HOLD the tube. Okay Mom? SA-WEEZE it and sa-weeze it. If it doesn't bend keep trying.

Me: It did bend. It already did.

Finn: NO. Mom. Will you listen? Sa-weez it. And keep trying to sa-weeze it, and if it bends, don't give it back to me. Understand. Do you understand?

Me: *throws self in to on coming traffic, and head explodes at the same time*

Finn in the car: Here mom heres a heart for you, I made wif my hands!!
Me: Thank you Finn! Thats so sweet!!
Finn: I will give you all the hearts, of all the dead things I find, ever.

*crickets*


Me: Um, Finn, I appreciate the sentiment, but I dont really want the hearts of a bunch of dead things.
Finn: Haha! No, no ,no Mom! *shakes head* Silly Mom!
Me: Oh, so you didnt mean...
Finn: Not to put inside you. (wait for it)....its for your collection.

AHAHAHHAHAHA!!! This child is terrifying. Happy October ya'll!!!

If you like my "writing*" you can check out my new cooking-ish blog-ish. Healthy Shit.

*rambling and cussing.