fantisies of neglect

Holy shit you guys. Holy. SHIT.

That could pretty much some up my week. Back to school is a dirty, pushy whore with festering herpes. Not school it self mind you, but the entire season, known as "back-to-school". From the first asshole at Walmart, who airs the first commercial in July, to, about Halloween. I know, a lot of Moms LOVE back to school, and maybe, someday, when my kids are at the same damn school, and both there all damn day, I will be able to enjoy it too. But for now, why in the shit would I want to give up sleep in, lazy beach days, for getting up early, endless bitching (from all of us), and being a fucking taxi, in what is ALWAYS the hottest time of year in SD. (When the powers that be can figure this out and let the kids out in July, and back at the end of Sept, I will be so amazed, I will lick my own ass. I will. I swear.)

Anyway, in between all the bitching (okay, okay, mostly me), and tears (me again), and UNHOLY fits being thrown in public, resulting in bite marks, and head lumps (me, on the receiving end of this shit), they have said a few things that have made me smile through my tears.

Finn (on the way home from dropping Reid at school today): Mom, You really need to have another baby.

Me (emotionless from all the meds): Why in the world would I do that?

Finn: Because I NEED another brother. I gotta have another brother. Maybe a couple more brothers. I need more brothers mooooom, I neeeeeeeed some.

Me: Finn if I have another baby, I wont have as much time to spend with you and Reidy.

Finn: I really dont care 'bout that mom. I just need more brothers.

Me: why do you need them so bad?

Finn: Cause Daddy has ALL those brothers, and I want a lot of brothers too. Come on mom. More brothers.

(A special thinks to Kate, Dale, Alan and Jeri, for giving me this standard to live up to)

Reid: Mom, do you know what my favorite day ever would be?

Me: No Reid, what?

Reid: If I got up in the morning, and started playing video games, and then you forgot about me all day, and I played all day long, till Daddy got home, and was like "Wheres Reid?" And you'd be like "Oh! I guess hes still playing video games, I forgot all about him"

Me: so...your best day ever...is if your Mother forgets you exist. That right? I got that right?

Reid: Yeah. Just until the night. Its okay Mom, I wouldn't be mad or anything.


Moral of the stories, my children, not unlike myself, fantasize about being neglected. Cant say I fucking blame 'em. I think we could ALL use a little neglect around here.

Why I do not have, or need a wiener, by Kate McCord, grade 13

It has recently come to my attention, through myself, that I need to write a short essay for my children to read when they get older, so they know exactly how much shit they gave me about not having a wiener, and how much I do not give a shit about having a wiener (this is also for my husband, who is pretty sure I have penis envy).

I will be using the essay format I was taught in school (before I stopped trying, and started partying, so, like what, middle school? Who knows.)

I am a woman. I do not have a dick. That is okay with me. I do not want, or need one. Every time one of my children see me naked, or anytime the subject of pork swords comes up (which, if you read my blog, you will know that is on a very regular basis) they feel the need to ask me why I don't have one, ask me how it is possible to survive without one, and pity me for not having one. This sequence of crank questions is always the same : inquiry, dismay, empathetic sadness.

Getting dressed in my room:

Finn: Mom, why don't you have a pee pee?
Me: For the love of GOD Finn, I do.
Reid: Yeah Finn, remember, she does, it just inside? (pats me on the back, tells me "its going to be okay")

In the car:

Finn: Hey Mom?
Me: What up?
Finn: When is your Pee pee gonna grow out?
Me: Finn, I HAVE a pee pee, it is NEVER gonna "grow out". My pee pee is awesome, it works just fine, and it is called a "vagina". It doesn't hang off my crotch, looking ridiculous, and getting in my way all the time, it is tucked neatly up, and out of the way, and I am very happy with it. Okay?
Finn: Okay.
Mom?
Me: Yes Finn?
Finn: When is your "BAGINA" gonna grow out?


At the store:

Finn: Mom, did your wiener pee pee fall off?
Me: Finn, seriously listen to me. Look at me...LOOK at me. Stay. Listen...wait, LOOK AT ME. Okay, stay, lis...LOOOOOOK AAAT ME! Listen. My pee pee did not fall off. I am not a goddamn amputee. You do not need to feel sorry for me. I am SO not sad that I don't have a trouser snake. It is something I would NEVER think about if you little fuckers didn't bring it up all the time. Chicks. Don't. Have. Dicks. Got it? I am a chick, I don't have a dick. I don't know any other way to get through to you.
Finn: Whats a "trouser snake"?
Albertson's employee: Miss (they totally don't call me "Miss" anymore, they "Mame" me, those assholes, but this is my story so) Excuse me, Miss? We're going to have to ask you to take this conversation outside please. AND, you look WAY to young and beautiful, to have two kids!*

In closing, I'd like to remind my family that I am a woman. I would also like to ask a family with all chicks out there, its it as much fun as I imagine it to be? Do you ladies sit around painting each others toe nails, and brushing each others hair, and watching movies without guns and explosions and blood, and talking about how awesome your uterus's, and ovaries and fallopian tubes are? That's what I imagine, that and a whole lot of PMSing.

*my story fuckers.

Family Dinner Dick Talk

Seems genitalia is the only thing we ever discuss at the family table...and frankly, Id have it no other way.

Reid: Anna is probably gonna have babies
Me: Yeah, why do you say that?
Reid: Because of something tat starts with a "B"
Me: What?
Reid: I cant say it at the dinner table
Me: Its okay, what?
Reid: Its like, right under your tummy...
Me: It starts with a "B"? Or a "V"?
Reid: a "B"
Me: Okay Reid, what, its okay.
Reid: Balls.
Me: Anna is gonna ave babies cause you have balls?
Reid: Yeah.

Okay, I am TOTALLY trippin at this point because I think were are going to have the sex talk right there, at the dinner table, at 6 years old. HOW does this kids know that balls = babies??? Is this a Yo Gabba Gabba that I missed?!

Me: So, uh Reid, why do you think balls have anything to do with babies?
Reid: Well, you said the doctor took off Milo, the cats balls so he cant have babies. But, I still have balls, so me and Anna can still have babies.
Me: Thats right.
Reid: Can I have dessert now?

conversation, over.

later...

Me: Finns pee pee was hurting him at the beach today.
Miah: You know it might have been hurting cause its time for it to fall off.
Reid and Finn: (Stare with mouths dropped open)
Me: Dont listen to him, its not gonna fall off, hes just messing with you.
Miah: No really, its probably time for it to fall off and then you grow a new one.
Reid and Finn: (continue to stare)
Miah: Yeah, ya know like a lizard, loses its tail, and then grows a new one, you loose your wiener and then you grow a new one.
Me: He is totally lying you guys, don't believe him.
Miah: Yeah see, you just pull on it real hard, and it comes off.
Reid: Dad, I have been tuggin' on my wiener for 6 years now, and it hasn't come off yet.
Miah: Well Reid, all I have to say to that is, your not tuggin hard enough.
Silence....(I look around the table and no body hands are visible)
Reid: Its not working Dad
Finn: yeah Dad, not working.

Me: (#143 things I never dreamed I would have to say) Ok, no tugging on your wieners at the dinner table.

Rampant Preschool Eye Rape.

First real day of summer in the McCord House:

Reid: Mom! Finn called me a Bitch!
Me: Finn, that is a grownup word, you are not allowed to say grownup words. If you do that again, do you know what Ill have to do?
Finn: What?
Me: Ill wash your mouth out with soap.
Finn (wide eyed), *gasp!* But...will it be wee, wee queen (really, really clean)

Followed by constant sibling, on sibling violence. Which, after almost completely loosing my fucking mind, I learned how to keep that shit in check by enforcing manual labor, and keeping my emotions indifferent. No fight, and clean rooms. Win, win...for me anyway, F them.

And then we had to take Finn to the doc for a lingering cough, which turned out to be nothing, but he did have to explain to Doc, the double black eyes hes been sporting, due to, apparently, rampant preschool eye rape.

?

All in all a pretty bad ass start to summer, especially when Daddy came home, and after hearing the "bitch" story says: "Well Reid were you being a bitch?"

Me: Reid, you farts smell TOXIC. When was the last time you pooped?
Reid: I pooped on the floor.
Me: Maybe you didnt hear me, I asked WHEN was the last time you pooped?
Reid: I pooped on the floor, in the living room.
Me: WHEN? When did you drop a deuce in the living room?
Reid: I pooped on the floor in the living room, on......Friday?
Me: Yeah, that sounds about right. Why dont you go take a shit in the kitchen.

Me and the boys in the car:

Reid:Fiiinnnnn. Don't put your lizard in that hole.
Me: What hole is he putting it in?
Reid: FIIIINNNNNN! Don't do it!
Me: WHAT HOLE?!?!

*silence*

Me: Okay, as long as he isn't putting the lizard in his nose, or his asshole, I dont care...or your nose or asshole.
Finn: Its not in my nose, and its not in my mouth, and its not in my wiener, and its not in my ass-butt. Okay mom? Its a hole in the door.


Finn: Why is Dad you husband?
Me: Because, he is the man I chose to married, and have kids with, and grow old with.
Reid: Oh, ok. And, you got your wish!
Me: What wish?
Reid: You married him, and had kids, and now your old.

Happy Mutha's Day, all you mutha's!

I am sure you guys remember when my friend Jenna had a baby, and I had those wonderful words of inspiration for her, right?

Well, a TON of bitches around me be havin' babies right now. And once again I, eloquently worked 'vagina' into a baby shower greeting card for my girl, Angela.

























Huh?! Huh!?! Am I right ladies? Thats okay, I know I am. The second kid also give you chimpanzee tits, but Iam really trying to see how many cards I get the word "vagina" on. Total so far, 2 and counting!

And since this blog is suppose to be about my kids, heres a video of Finn, cracking my shit up. He hasn't been saying much funny stuff lately, more cute, bordering on creepy, about how he loves his "Reidy Buddy", and his "Ghost Friend Brother". But he is always funny, even when hes trying to be serious.



I wish I could figure out to turn it the right way. I think my favorite part is when he drops his sandwich on the ground, and then picks it up and eats it. No wasted food in the McCord house!

There is NO what

I know kids ask questions. I get it. Its fine. Its even pretty cool, that they question authority, and religion, and TV and everything else in the universe. But you know whats not cool? When they question ME. I am not talking the "why is the sky blue?" or "why cant I have cake for breakfast". Sure those are hard to answer, or frustrating, but at least they make sense. The caliber of questions Finn has been pounding me with lately, leave me questioning my own identity, sanity, capability, and sexual orientation. And anyone who ever said "There is no such thing as a dumb question!" (in a nasal, school marmy voice) has never met my kids. Questions, that do not even follow the logical linear path of the conversation we are having. Questions, like this...

Finn: Mom, are pants with holes in the knees cool?

Me: yep.

Finn: How?

Me: "How?" What do you mean, "How?".

Finn: How are they?

Me: I don't know "how", they just are. "How" is not really applicable in this situation.

Finn: Why?

Me: Because, It doesn't make sense, there is no reason "how" they are cool.

Finn: Where?

Me: Anywhere. Wait, you kn..... Finn, PLEASE stop asking dumb questions. Sometimes there is no "how" or "why". Sometimes there is no "when", or "where", okay Finn?

Finn: Okay Mommy, okay, I got you, I got you.....Mommy?

Me: Yes Finn?

Finn: What?







Finn: (in deep, mechanical Darth Vader voice) Mom. Come, to the Dark Side.

Me: Uh, I don't really want to Finn.

Finn: (Normal lispy Finn voice) S'okay Mom, Its not really that dark here.