Inspired by my Father in laws "quote book", it will only be the funniest, and most though provoking of statements, I am gonna try not to do too much mushy shit, its just for laughs after all.

Friday, September 3, 2010

You wish I was your friend

So, my girlfriend is in the hospital right now, cause she just had a little baby! AWWWWWWWWWW....

Which is really disgusting actually. Not her baby, shes gorgeous, so she has super cute babies, not one of those ugly wrinkly "old man" lookin' babies.

Birthing babies in general is the disgusting part. I can say that, cause I have had 2. I mean, she had a C-section, so its not quite as gross, I imagine, and having your vagina turned inside out. Speaking of inside out vagina....(clinky, wind chimey music, as I stare off into the distance, and the picture gets fuzzy)

I remember when I was giving birth to my first little "bundle of joy", and the nurse asked me if I wanted a mirror, a MIRROR?!?!? (I cant get enough exclamation and question marks after this) WHAT THE FUCK WOULD I NEED A MIRROR FOR?!?! Unless you are trying to tell me my eyebrows need plucking (which they almost always do) You better step off with mirror, or I am liable to shove it up your baby delivery shoot.

Back to the grossness. If you need a little more birth control, ask my husband, he'd be happy to tell you about all the gory details, and how hard he tried to get out of watching the whole thing, (it was so funny, hes was all "I'll just stay up here, by your head", and I was all "perfect." and then the nurses were all "come over here Daddy, we need you to help hold Mommy's leg!" Hahahaha! He had to see it, and I didn't!!) and how bad it smelled (really, he is very insistent that the smell is the worst part), and how sore he was the next day. No shit you guys. Right after I pushed out our second screaming monster, he said, straight faced, and I quote "I am going to be REALLY sore tomorrow." In his defense, he was referring to the fact that he was rubbing my back to help with the "back labor" and I was screaming like a woman in labor, (oddly enough), "HARDER DAMMIT!!!! PUSH HARDDDDDDEEEERRRRR!" And he was giving it everything he had, for real, he was sweating and shit, and I wouldn't let up, I just wanted him to punch me in the kidneys. Ahhhhhh memories, sweet, memories, of a pain so intense, you wish your husband would punch you in the kidneys.

So, if you haven't had kids yet, and the phrases "back labor" and "inside-out vagina" and "MIRROR" didn't close that door for ya, give me a call, and I'll seal the deal.

Anyway, I thought "what did I really want when I was in the hospital, besides an ice pack attached to my taint?"

Hummmmm, what is a good sentiment to go along with such a PERFECT gift?

I know, I know, that Emily Post bitch could learn a thing or 12 right? Is underlining "vagina" too much? I really wanted to put the emphasis on "vagina".

P.S. sorry about the lack of things my kids say in this post, they've been pretty boring lately, and I wouldn't want to subject you to their inadequacies. I am one of those "stage moms", they are only featured when they are at their best.


  1. They asked me if I wanted a mirror too and I was like, really? I already know what it looks like and I sure as fuck don't need to see something that slimey coming out of it. But thanks.