Your father is dead inside

It has recently been brought to my attention that I have not posted in a while. All I have to say, I completely blame it on my kids. They just really haven't been that funny lately. I don't know what their f-ing problem is.

Me: Alright you little crotch fruit, you really need to come up with something funny, mama needs some new material for her blog.

Ok, are you ready? Set? Say something funny....


Spawn: Goo goo, gaa gaa, poo poo pee pee.

Me: Really? That's the best you've got? Come ON you guys, what do you think this is Grandmas house? That shit is SO not up to par with you usual.

Spawn: Ca ca doodie, butt face head.

Me: Your totally not even trying, I am super disappointed in you, I am prepared to with hold love until this situation is resolved.

(Please dont send me hate mail about how big of an asshole I am, obviously, Iam blurring the line between reality, and fantasy here. Ah fantasy, the sweet, sweet fantasy of calling your children "crotch fruit*")

update:

Finn had a pretty good jab for Dada this morning. He has been kind of a jerk to his Pops lately. Most likely because I do what I said I would never do, as in, "wait till your Dad gets home!!!!!" I know! I swore I would never do it, but you know what, I just cant scare those little shits like he can. I spank 'em and they laugh, he says its all in the wrist, but shit, I just cant seem to get it. But I digress.


I told him he had been being so mean to Daddy lately, its making Daddy really sad, and breaking his heart. His dead pan response to me, "Daddy doesn't have a heart"

aaaaaand scene.


*"crotch fruit" is from the brilliant collective minds of the MWDS.

I seriously can believe how lazy people are. There are so many cars lined up for the drive through Starbucks, that I can't even get into the parking lot of my gym. Finn was helping me find ways to deal with my frustration:



Me: LAZY, FUCKING, SHITHEADS! Don't say that Finn.

Finn: (takes thumb out of his mouth with a "POP") Ok, I wont Mommy. I will call them "Stupid Buttheads", and you can call them "Lazy Shitheads". (inserts thumb, and pats koala* on the butt)

Me: Perfect. But don't say "shithead".

Finn: (POP) I didn't mom. I said you call them "lazy shitheads". God, how many times I have to tell you? (Insert thumb, grope koala)

Me: One more.

Finn: (POP) Okay, I will. I call them "Stupid Buttheads", and you call them "Lazy Shitheads". Got it mom? (insert thumb, check koalas oil)

Me: Got it Finn.


* This is koala and Finn, in the throws of thumb sucking passion. Thumb sucking and koala go hand in hand like (insert clever analogy here). Every time he feels the soft caress of koalas beady, rattly ass, his thumb feels a gravitational like pull to his mouth, like a SAHM** to a bottle of vodka. (THERE it is!)




Don't you love the look on his face, I am definitely interrupting something here. And poor koala, he just looks like he feels dirty.


**Stay At Home Mom, for those of you who are not yet on this side of parent hood. We SAHM's we like our liquor, and our wine,and our beer, I think you get the point.

PS I hope you guys like my new blog pic, it depicts life in the McCord house perfectly! My favorite part is Topper licking his junk! Ha! Silly dog! It was an attempt at a Christmas card photo, and it remains one of my biggest regrets in life that we didn't use it for our Christmas cards. Oh well, I did blow it up and hang it above the fire place though, so its all good.

Reid: Can I have some candy?

Me: No.

Reid: Please?

Me: No.

Reid: Come ON Mom! Please?!? I said 'Please'!

Me: No. THE ANSWER IS NO. Stop asking me, I am not changing my mind, leave it alone, or get out of my room!

Reid: (climbing on to bed next me)

Me: (in my head) awwwww, hes sorry for being a jerk, he wants to cuddle with me, hes...hes...hes sitting on my pillow?

Reid: (letting one rip, right on my pillow,) That's what you get. (raises eyebrows and shrugs shoulders)

Farting is BIG in the McCord house. A fart can be an answer to a question, a statement, or a question it self. I am no where nearly as talented in the fart department as Miah and the boys, I am still learning the expert craft of FOD (Farting on demand) It took me years to embrace the farting way of life, and when I finally did, it was like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. After all this time trying to fight it, I have finally been able to let go, kind of like a fart in it self, really. But this? This is bullshit.

What to do? What to do?

Me: Finn what do you want to do today?

Finn: I gonna put a poop hamburger in yours butt.

'nough said.

If you live on my street and your dog is missing a toy, I have it. My dog seems to have a bit of the clepto in him. He took off an hour ago, and trotted proudly home with another dogs toy in his mouth. As it turns out, I am not to feel bad though, as Finn has assured me, that Topper has told him (in Spanish, of course), that the other dog said he could "bar-yo" it. Reid is under the impression that if Topper is going to speak Spanish then he should go live in Africa. Pretty sure thats raciest, but not exactly sure on which level. He didnt say it maliciously or anything, just very matter-of-factly, like all things Reid says, like yesterday when he said "hey, why dont you get lost?" Back to how to deal with it... "Reid, its not cool to tell people who speak any language that they need to return to their country or origin of any other country for that matter, unless you are in Arizona." I dont know, I let it slide.

poop toy

In case you are not familiar with the "poop toy", this is the "poop toy":





A toy that is needed for poopie time, and in all honesty, evacuation cannot be accomplished with out it. From the bathroom this morning...

Toy: Old Mc Donald had a farm....

Finn: Mic Dick Donald have a CHICKEN!

Toy: ee-i-ee-i-ooohhhhh....

Finn: (unintelligible screaming, and maniacal laughing)

Toy: With a moo moo here....

Finn: YESSSSSSSTERDAY!!!!!!!

Toy: The barn is red!

Finn: You sir, are NOT...(unintelligible)...

Finn: MOM! I need you to do it!!!!

Great, ass wiping in the middle of breakfast, aaaaas usual.

Me: Wipe your own ass!

Finn: But I need you to brush my teeth.

Me: (head cocked like a golden retriever) But, your on the crapper?

Finn: I know, brush my teeth.

Happy Mother's Day ya'll. Hope your spawn treats you like the queens that you are, and there is no feces interrupting any of your meals today

From the "quote book"...

So, I had written that this blog was inspired by a "quote book". My Father in Law, Dale, has a little note pad he keeps in the kitchen to write down all the funny, and inappropriate shit that is said at family gatherings, to read and crack up at at the next family gathering. I tried to start my own, but kept loosing it, or could NEVER find a FUCKING pen, I mean holy shit, with the pens, but I digress, thus my decision to start a blog. Anywho, Here are a few of the gems from to small collection of my quote book....

Reid was, I think 3 at the time of all these ones:

"Good Morning Mommy!!! I had 2 boogers. One was long and skinny. The other was BIG and GREEN. Its on your door, if you wanna check it out"

The best thing about this, is how totally nonchalantly he informs me that the boogers, have come to rest on my BEDROOM DOOR. I wish you could have heard it, never found those boogers, scary.


Reid: "I hope you have a good night a sweet dreams Mommy."

Me: "Thank you baby. I hope you do too."

Reid: "Dream abooooout an orange robot."

Me: "uh-ok"

Reid: "and NO people...none, at all....no people"




Reid REALLY wanted to play with his cronies, but it was bath time, it was one of those long-as-mother-fucking days, Miah was exhausted, giving him a bath, just trying to keep the peace, I think he would have agreed to anything at this point, so the request could have been worse...

Miah:"Maybe tomorrow, if your a really good boy, you can play with Anna and Jordan."

Reid: "Aaaaaand maybe, you can watch Peter Pan, while I take a dump."

Miah:"Sure, sounds good."




Iam putting beers in the fridge, and Finn is carring on, whining and crying, cause he wants one...

Reid: "MOM! Just give him a beer, god!"

Finn has always liked beer, caught him pillaging the recycle bin one day polishing off empties from a week ago. Shit, not looking forward to the High School years with this one, on the other hand we will have a BLAST once hes over 21!

Theres a few more good ones, but Ill save em for a boring day.

Week in review-ish

These are all from the last week or two, they were all facebook posts, so they are most likely old news to ya'll, but in case you missed 'em, here they are!

Reid:"I dont want to be a boxer when I grow up."

Me: "Yea, they get hit in the head a lot and it makes 'em stupid."

Reid: "hummm, that makes me think Daniel use to be a boxer."

Reid: "Mom!! I have vows in my name!! An E and an I! And all the other letters are coincidence."

Reid is pretty sure I weigh more than the baby elephant at the Wild Animal Park:

Me: "Reid. Its an ELEPHANT!"

Reid: "Yea Mom. A BABY elephant!"

We have had this conversation like 20 times. Some time it goes like

Reid: "Mom, the baby elephant weighed 100 lbs."

Me: "I dont think thats right Reid, I weigh like 140."

Reid: "Yea Mom, I know, this was a baby, a BABY, dont you think you weigh more than a baby? Huh? Dont you?"

Finn:"MOM, I need you to find my Star Wars guy!!!!"

Me:"Well Finn your out of luck."

Finn:"MOM! Dont call me a bug!"

Me:"I didnt call you a bug you little shit, I said you out of luck!"

Finn:"MOOOOM!!!! DONT. CALL ME. A BUG."

Welcome Mamacitas!

Reid: "Hey Mamacita! That means your beautiful in Spanish." Me: "I am pretty sure it means I am hot." Reid: "Hot? Like, hot how?" Me: "Like 'smokin' hot' hot." Reid: "Like 'Hot Shit'"? Me: "What!? Did you just say 'Hot Shit'? That is hilarious!" Reid: "No, mom! I said 'Hot Chick'! Geeze." I was gonna have to give him major props for "Hot Shit", while that is phrase I rarely, if ever use, (making it a mystery to me where he heard it) it is a super bad ass one, and I think I am going to start rockin' it more often.


I had been waiting for a good one to start this blog, I hope you guys can get as many laughs out of it as I do :) This being the first post, I want to make it clear that there will lots of cussing and otherwise "inappropriate" stuff on here. I dig "inappropriate" I find it quite funny, if you dont, thats cool too, dont waste you time here!

P.S. It will also be filled with spelling and grammatical errors, I dont care about that shit, F off.