It has recently come to my attention, through myself, that I need to write a short essay for my children to read when they get older, so they know exactly how much shit they gave me about not having a wiener, and how much I do not give a shit about having a wiener (this is also for my husband, who is pretty sure I have penis envy).
I will be using the essay format I was taught in school (before I stopped trying, and started partying, so, like what, middle school? Who knows.)
I am a woman. I do not have a dick. That is okay with me. I do not want, or need one. Every time one of my children see me naked, or anytime the subject of pork swords comes up (which, if you read my blog, you will know that is on a very regular basis) they feel the need to ask me why I don't have one, ask me how it is possible to survive without one, and pity me for not having one. This sequence of crank questions is always the same : inquiry, dismay, empathetic sadness.
Getting dressed in my room:
Finn: Mom, why don't you have a pee pee?
Me: For the love of GOD Finn, I do.
Reid: Yeah Finn, remember, she does, it just inside? (pats me on the back, tells me "its going to be okay")
In the car:
Finn: Hey Mom?
Me: What up?
Finn: When is your Pee pee gonna grow out?
Me: Finn, I HAVE a pee pee, it is NEVER gonna "grow out". My pee pee is awesome, it works just fine, and it is called a "vagina". It doesn't hang off my crotch, looking ridiculous, and getting in my way all the time, it is tucked neatly up, and out of the way, and I am very happy with it. Okay?
Me: Yes Finn?
Finn: When is your "BAGINA" gonna grow out?
At the store:
Finn: Mom, did your wiener pee pee fall off?
Me: Finn, seriously listen to me. Look at me...LOOK at me. Stay. Listen...wait, LOOK AT ME. Okay, stay, lis...LOOOOOOK AAAT ME! Listen. My pee pee did not fall off. I am not a goddamn amputee. You do not need to feel sorry for me. I am SO not sad that I don't have a trouser snake. It is something I would NEVER think about if you little fuckers didn't bring it up all the time. Chicks. Don't. Have. Dicks. Got it? I am a chick, I don't have a dick. I don't know any other way to get through to you.
Finn: Whats a "trouser snake"?
Albertson's employee: Miss (they totally don't call me "Miss" anymore, they "Mame" me, those assholes, but this is my story so) Excuse me, Miss? We're going to have to ask you to take this conversation outside please. AND, you look WAY to young and beautiful, to have two kids!*
In closing, I'd like to remind my family that I am a woman. I would also like to ask a family with all chicks out there, its it as much fun as I imagine it to be? Do you ladies sit around painting each others toe nails, and brushing each others hair, and watching movies without guns and explosions and blood, and talking about how awesome your uterus's, and ovaries and fallopian tubes are? That's what I imagine, that and a whole lot of PMSing.
*my story fuckers.
5 years ago