Inspired by my Father in laws "quote book", it will only be the funniest, and most though provoking of statements, I am gonna try not to do too much mushy shit, its just for laughs after all.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Family Dinner Dick Talk

Seems genitalia is the only thing we ever discuss at the family table...and frankly, Id have it no other way.

Reid: Anna is probably gonna have babies
Me: Yeah, why do you say that?
Reid: Because of something tat starts with a "B"
Me: What?
Reid: I cant say it at the dinner table
Me: Its okay, what?
Reid: Its like, right under your tummy...
Me: It starts with a "B"? Or a "V"?
Reid: a "B"
Me: Okay Reid, what, its okay.
Reid: Balls.
Me: Anna is gonna ave babies cause you have balls?
Reid: Yeah.

Okay, I am TOTALLY trippin at this point because I think were are going to have the sex talk right there, at the dinner table, at 6 years old. HOW does this kids know that balls = babies??? Is this a Yo Gabba Gabba that I missed?!

Me: So, uh Reid, why do you think balls have anything to do with babies?
Reid: Well, you said the doctor took off Milo, the cats balls so he cant have babies. But, I still have balls, so me and Anna can still have babies.
Me: Thats right.
Reid: Can I have dessert now?

conversation, over.


Me: Finns pee pee was hurting him at the beach today.
Miah: You know it might have been hurting cause its time for it to fall off.
Reid and Finn: (Stare with mouths dropped open)
Me: Dont listen to him, its not gonna fall off, hes just messing with you.
Miah: No really, its probably time for it to fall off and then you grow a new one.
Reid and Finn: (continue to stare)
Miah: Yeah, ya know like a lizard, loses its tail, and then grows a new one, you loose your wiener and then you grow a new one.
Me: He is totally lying you guys, don't believe him.
Miah: Yeah see, you just pull on it real hard, and it comes off.
Reid: Dad, I have been tuggin' on my wiener for 6 years now, and it hasn't come off yet.
Miah: Well Reid, all I have to say to that is, your not tuggin hard enough.
Silence....(I look around the table and no body hands are visible)
Reid: Its not working Dad
Finn: yeah Dad, not working.

Me: (#143 things I never dreamed I would have to say) Ok, no tugging on your wieners at the dinner table.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Rampant Preschool Eye Rape.

First real day of summer in the McCord House:

Reid: Mom! Finn called me a Bitch!
Me: Finn, that is a grownup word, you are not allowed to say grownup words. If you do that again, do you know what Ill have to do?
Finn: What?
Me: Ill wash your mouth out with soap.
Finn (wide eyed), *gasp!* But...will it be wee, wee queen (really, really clean)

Followed by constant sibling, on sibling violence. Which, after almost completely loosing my fucking mind, I learned how to keep that shit in check by enforcing manual labor, and keeping my emotions indifferent. No fight, and clean rooms. Win, win...for me anyway, F them.

And then we had to take Finn to the doc for a lingering cough, which turned out to be nothing, but he did have to explain to Doc, the double black eyes hes been sporting, due to, apparently, rampant preschool eye rape.


All in all a pretty bad ass start to summer, especially when Daddy came home, and after hearing the "bitch" story says: "Well Reid were you being a bitch?"