Inspired by my Father in laws "quote book", it will only be the funniest, and most though provoking of statements, I am gonna try not to do too much mushy shit, its just for laughs after all.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Fun with jumpropes

Miah says its "not a good idea". What do you guys think?

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Sometimes, I get sick of being such an asshole. I start to feel, like maybe I am missing out something, not being the perfect Mom, who all the kids wish was theirs. Ill get this wild hair, that I am gonna be the best mom ever. Like super triditional, and be all Martha, or June Cleaver, or some crap like that. I put on an apron, and get out all my baking stuff. And I make a bunch of cookies, and get out all the decorating supplies, and round up the kids, and prepare for this really wholesome rainy afternoon of cookie decoration with mom.




Reid made Batman!




Finn made Spiderman!

Arent they creative!!! Ahhhh, I get a nice warm fuzzy feeling fostering their creativity like this. A feeling that I am really buliding some memories here, that are not going to send them into therapy. Memories that might stick with them for the rest for their lives, and when they grow up, they will tell their kids, "Grandma used to make gingerbread cookies with us, Its my favorite childhood memory!"



And that dream just turns into a big puff of smoke, and flys out the fucking window.






Shes White Trash, see her clevage, and her belly shirt?




I made her a red headed whore, because, I have always wanted to be a redheaded whore








Oh yea, these memories will last alright.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Missinformation

With Thanksgiving fast approaching, I feel it is my responsibility, neh, my duty, to give you a little information on Native Americans as told to me by my 6 and 3 year olds.







Indians dont have shoes, just feet.

Indians live in pillow caves.

Indians take care of Winnie The Pooh, Lions, Giraffes, and Fish.

Indians eat Spaghetti-o's, eggs, and bad aminals, like bad dogs, but not this dog, cause its a good dog.


and most importantly:

Indians just have underwear! They dont wear pants cause I puked on 'em!

Sometimes, when and Indian eats too many spaghetti-o's, hes has what is called a "wet burp", on his pants.


Update: Miah is Custard, and hes making them chose between their own lives, and the lives of the aminals they take care of. "I am gonna kill either you or them, you pick." They were all like "US!" They totally went Braveheart on him "You can take or lives, but you can never take our aminlas!!!!" Or some bullshit. Braveheart? Hummm, not the best Indian analogy, but you know what I am getting at.



Indian Uprising.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

motherhood in a fucking nutshell

Here's something fresh, and new, and exciting. A quote from me!

Circa 2004

"I don't ever want to put Reid in preschool, because, ya know, you only have so much time with them before you have to send them off to school anyway. I want him with me for as long as I can have him!"

Fast Forward 3 years....

"I don't give a flying fuck if you like it or not, your going to preschool!"

Fast Forward 3 more years...

"If someone had told me "having kids", meant actually having them...with me...all. the. time. I am pretty sure things would have gone down a little differently"

and there you have it, Motherhood, in a fucking nutshell.


In other news, koala is gone. I believe for ever. Remember koala....

Its been a rough day around here, with all the threats of physical violence (mostly involving kicking, and punching and "sacking" {smacking} in various body parts, included, but not limited to eyes, nuts, tummy's, faces, and "ub-side their heathds") from Finn on the evil doers who possibly stoled his koala. Where does he get this violent streak?? I have no idea, I have been trying to beat him in to submission from day 1...What? Whats that? You say violence begets violence? Well, my parents never laid a hand on me and look at what a raging psychopath I turned out to be! Boo-yah! In yo face!

A beautiful light at the end of the tunnel. At gymnastics in the little gift shop, behold...









I know he dosent look that happy here, but trust me, this ended the evening in the rarely seen, almost never duplicated for film, "Whoot, whoot", "Tiggery Miggery Dance" combo...




















Sorry about the head tilt, I am not techno. savvy.

Monday, November 1, 2010

I went to the Dr. last week. No worries, I just needed a referral, to a dermo. to check out these giant old person moles all over my body. Anyway, I am in the office, chillin', like you do, and the Doc comes in and sits down to discuss shit. ****Take note those of you with girl children, or no children, who think there is something wrong with mine*****

Doc: So, how are you doing? (furrowed concerned brow, and slightly fearful smile)

Me: Uh, fine? And you?

Doc: Good. So, you have 2 boys right?

Me: Yup. I do.

Doc: And how is that going? (bitch looks like she wants to cry)

Me: Um, well, they are still alive, and have all their limbs, and I am not drunk right now at (checking imaginary watch) 11 am, so I'd say pretty damn good.

Doc: Yea, I have 2 girls.

Me: I know.

Doc: I had a patient in here the other day. She brought her little boy with her. How old are your boys?

Me: 3 and 6.

Doc: Hers was 4. And, you know, boys are really different. It stressed me out, I mean the tension was palpable.

Me: Word Doc. Can you refill my sleeping pills while I'm here? Make it 30.



She is a fucking doctor. A real one, board certified in family medicine. She is concerned about my mental facilities, not because of anything I have done, or said, or anyway I have acted...but because I have boys. Shes never even met them. She doesn't even need to. I bet I could have gotten some seriously stronger shit than sleeping pills, remind me to work that angle next time.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Penises need not apply

A gray eyelash. A mother fucking gray eyelash. I blame you spawn. In the last 24 hours I have become the proud owner of a gray eyelash. Some of the quotes that could have possibly scared the pigment out of the fucker:

"I did something really mean to the cat, but I don't want to tell you what it was."

"I think I only throwed up 'cause there were a lots of boogers in my throat"

"Ha ha ha! I just called the hair tie a hair PIE! Hair pie, hair pie, hair pie!" (loudly, in the grocery store)


"Mom! Have you seen the tarantula?!?!"


Spent most of the day yesterday making a "pretend mixed berry and sea weed pie" with Finn. It was inedible berries from the yard, and weeds, of course, and it was heavily armed with guns and swords baked right in. He is the perfectly engineered cross between Martha Stewart and Rambo. My plan is working, kind of.

Hum, I guess the last 24 hours, have been nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe it was just that eyelashes time? Ya know "the circle of life" and all that shit?....nah, it was the kids.


P.S. I told Miah that yarmulke (ya know, that little skull cap the Jewish dudes wear) was spelled with a "R" and an "L", and he didnt believe me (cause, why would he?) and I was right!!! I was right fuckers! About spelling! Woo hoo! Look out Steven Hawking, I am one smart bitch!!

P.P.S (Ladies only, penises need not apply) what do I do about the lash? Pluck it, or mascara it? Its on the bottom. Please advise.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Sick Burn

Finn is in this habit of when I am looking for something, he tells me he found it and then gives me something totally different, and then laughs his ass off. Not funny fucker.

Finn: Mom! I found your bottle top!!

Me: Oh good! I am so glad, I was looking for that forever!!! Can I have it?

Finn: Here you go (hands me a dinosaur, and gives me a shit eating grin)

Me: Finn, thats not funny, I was really hoping you found it.

Finn: Yea, Mom, it is funny, its a funny joke, I am a joker.

Me: No, its not.

Finn: Yes. it. is. I am a joker Mom! I learned it from you.

Me: (a small swell of pride from the previous statement) Not really Finn, its a mean joke.

Finn: You're a mean joke.



Now, I know I should be proud of what my kids are doing in school:







(Its a RUG, not a doobie, geeze.)

















Or, their thoughtfulness toward family members:



(For Daddy's soccer payoffs, thats what he wanted it to say, I am not gonna argue with the kid. Come on look how proud he is!)




















But the thing that really gets me choked up, that really gets my eyes swelling, and my sinuses blocked up with mucus, is a really sick burn, from way beyond their years. "You're a mean joke" (Sniff, sniff, slow clap)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Bitches be trippin'

My kid is sick AGAIN. Thus begins another shitty day of no workout, no school, and a sick kid up my ass all day. So, shit friends, lets make the worst of this butt munching day, and clean the mother f-ing house.

Now I have recently been reading so many post from chicks (sorry,but it is mostly chicks) about how they cleaned all day, organized closets, rearranged furniture, cleaned out the cob webs, and it felt oh so good!!!

Is there something wrong with me? I got NONE of those warn fuzzy feelings from de-lousing my crib. For real, all I feel, is super irritated and fucking pissed. Mostly because its all going to be shot to shit as soon as fever boys fever drops, and his brother shows up. But also, also because I would rather shove weird things up my ass, and then go to hospital and try to explain it away, then spend a beautiful, fall, San Diego day... cleaning.

And don't get me wrong, I am not gonna try and tell you I am cleaning up other peoples crap, its probably like, 10% Miah, 27% Finn, 29% Reid, and like 20 % me. Is that 100? 10+27+29+20? Oh who fucking cares, I have a hot kid in lap talking delirious fever nonsense, like; "Mom, your tummy is really big, is there something in there?...its big...bigger than it was. Its pretty big." Obviously hes loosing his shit.

In closing, I cant believe people enjoy cleaning, bitches be trippin'.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Gratuitous butt sniffing..isn't all butt sniffing gratuitous, after all.


Our cat "Sam" (girl), likes to go up to the dog and stick her ass right in his face, then she gets all pissy and offended when he sniffs it! What a prick tease. And then she sicks it right. back. in his face.



Reid: Ha! Look at Sam. Sticking her butt in the boys face, just like a real human girl. (smiling and shaking his head)



Reid playing with his transformers:

T1: Hey! You stabbed me in the junk!

T2: I know! Because I like to!

T1: But WHY!?!

T2: Because!!!! I like to. God.

In other news, ya'll are missing an amazing poo-rant right now. I mean really special, to the tune of lots of angry gibberish, and role playing.

In other other news, the rants result was a 20 min plunger for Dad.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

We keep our selves entertained.

I can't tell you the tooth drama is this crib the last month. Reid had his first loose tooth, and being the sweet wittle hoarder that he is, he didn't want it to come out, wouldn't pull it, wouldn't let anyone pull it, barely wiggled it. He wanted to keep it forever, along with our dead fish,every single pair of shoes he has ever owned, and a wristband from a rafting trip that he kept on his wrist for 5 weeks, until it finally started to rot and disintegrate. Back to the tooth, you know he wasen't letting that fucker go, for real. So he devised a little plan:





Sorry you guys, my phone would focus on the note in video mode. Now obviously, Reid isn't not able to write a note saying all that himself, so his loving Dad was all too happy to have Reid dictate, and he wrote:



Friday, September 17, 2010

Bring your fuckin' A game

Did you guys know there are 2 teams in my house? No? Neither did I, Reid has informed me the there indeed two factions within the McCord walls.

Reid, Finn, and Miah are on the "Wiener Team", and I, all by my lonesome, am the soul member of the most awesomest "Team Vagina".

The Wiener team excels at "wrestling", "riding things", and "playing games". Team Vagina strengths are, "resting" (awesome), and, get this, "NOT driving". Yea, that's right, according to my son, I am really good at NOT driving. So if any of you bitches wanna have a "NOT drive-athon, better bring you fuckin' "A" game, that goes for a "resting" contest too.


Team Vagina's new goal in life is to find a friend names Scott, so I can call him Scott the Twat. Not like in a mean way, in a "you are totally my best friend so I can call you twat" kind of way. You guys know what I mean, like I only call my closest girlfriends "Bitch Face", if I don't like you I will most likely not even waste a cuss word on you. I save "Whore Bag" for only the people that I really love, like my daughter*, or your mom.


*I don't have a daughter, (obviously, cause I am the only person on Team Vagina) but if I did, there is no doubt in my mind she would actually be a "Whore Bag", cause the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, right?

Monday, September 6, 2010

A few little nuggets from Finn..not those kind of nuggets! EW!

Sunday drive:

Reid: Dad, why do you talk so much?

Dad: Beacuse I like to talk.

Reid: See, you just did it again.

Dad: Yea, I did, and I am gonna keep doing it till I die, so get used to it.

Finn (with the sweet little lispy voice, and the ultimate-burn. Thumb "pops" out): I wish you would die.(thumb back in)


and yesterday:

Finn (From the shitter): Daaaaaaad! Bring me a book!! I need a book while I am dumping!!!



Learning a lot in preschool I see:



Finn: wook what I made!!!

Dad: Wow Finn! Thats great! What is it?

Finn: Its a number, but I ate some of it...

Dad: Its a letter...

Finn: Yea, its a letter.

Dad: What letter is it?

Finn: E!

Dad: No

Finn: M!

Dad: No again

Finn: T?

Dad: nooooo

Finn: 10!

Dad: Can you count to ten?

Finn: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 7-11, 19, 12.

Dad: Awesome. (because its SO important to encourage them at this age)

Friday, September 3, 2010

You wish I was your friend

So, my girlfriend is in the hospital right now, cause she just had a little baby! AWWWWWWWWWW....

Which is really disgusting actually. Not her baby, shes gorgeous, so she has super cute babies, not one of those ugly wrinkly "old man" lookin' babies.

Birthing babies in general is the disgusting part. I can say that, cause I have had 2. I mean, she had a C-section, so its not quite as gross, I imagine, and having your vagina turned inside out. Speaking of inside out vagina....(clinky, wind chimey music, as I stare off into the distance, and the picture gets fuzzy)

I remember when I was giving birth to my first little "bundle of joy", and the nurse asked me if I wanted a mirror, a MIRROR?!?!? (I cant get enough exclamation and question marks after this) WHAT THE FUCK WOULD I NEED A MIRROR FOR?!?! Unless you are trying to tell me my eyebrows need plucking (which they almost always do) You better step off with mirror, or I am liable to shove it up your baby delivery shoot.

Back to the grossness. If you need a little more birth control, ask my husband, he'd be happy to tell you about all the gory details, and how hard he tried to get out of watching the whole thing, (it was so funny, hes was all "I'll just stay up here, by your head", and I was all "perfect." and then the nurses were all "come over here Daddy, we need you to help hold Mommy's leg!" Hahahaha! He had to see it, and I didn't!!) and how bad it smelled (really, he is very insistent that the smell is the worst part), and how sore he was the next day. No shit you guys. Right after I pushed out our second screaming monster, he said, straight faced, and I quote "I am going to be REALLY sore tomorrow." In his defense, he was referring to the fact that he was rubbing my back to help with the "back labor" and I was screaming like a woman in labor, (oddly enough), "HARDER DAMMIT!!!! PUSH HARDDDDDDEEEERRRRR!" And he was giving it everything he had, for real, he was sweating and shit, and I wouldn't let up, I just wanted him to punch me in the kidneys. Ahhhhhh memories, sweet, memories, of a pain so intense, you wish your husband would punch you in the kidneys.

So, if you haven't had kids yet, and the phrases "back labor" and "inside-out vagina" and "MIRROR" didn't close that door for ya, give me a call, and I'll seal the deal.

Anyway, I thought "what did I really want when I was in the hospital, besides an ice pack attached to my taint?"



Hummmmm, what is a good sentiment to go along with such a PERFECT gift?



I know, I know, that Emily Post bitch could learn a thing or 12 right? Is underlining "vagina" too much? I really wanted to put the emphasis on "vagina".



P.S. sorry about the lack of things my kids say in this post, they've been pretty boring lately, and I wouldn't want to subject you to their inadequacies. I am one of those "stage moms", they are only featured when they are at their best.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I TOLD you I was smart.

I don't want to brag or anything, but I KICK ASS at answering 3 year olds questions. I mean, I am really something incredible. I have a feeling these answers at this super developmenticaly time in their life, will really make a difference of like, what college they drop out of and shit. Don't believe me? See for yourself!!


Q: Mama, whats that for?

A. What?

Q: THAT!

A: WHAT?!?! That tree? That sign? That car?

Q: NO! THAT!





A: The line? In the sidewalk?

Q: Yea!

A: What is it for?

Q: Yea! What is it FOR?

A: Uh, its not for anything. Its just a line separating one piece of sidewalk for the other, it has no purpose, it does nothing, but collect shit.


Question #2


Q: Mama, where does the cold air come from?

A: What cold air?

Q: The cold air from the air con-dish-ner, in the car!

A: Do I look like a fucking mechanic to you?


Question # 3

Q: Mama, can I have a yellow one?

A: A yellow what?

Q: A yellow ONE!

A: A yellow ONE of WHAT?

Q: A yellow one of everything!?

A: No.


See. I told you. If your dumbass 3 year old has a question that your too stupid to answer, send it my way! I'd be more than happy to hook a bitch up.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

You, what now?

When Finn says "spit" it sound just like "shit".

Imagine my surprise when he came in today telling me (or so I thought), that he had just taken a giant steamy crap in the street! I was trotting out there, camera in hand, but no, just an almost dried up little puddle. So disappointing, I really thought we had something there, oh well, there's always tomorrow.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Finn's poo-rant

video

So bummed I only caught the tail end of this. Finn is prone to loud, angry ranting while on the toilet, this should go over well in preschool...and yes, he does this EVERY time hes on the shitter, no exceptions.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

fat ass

Totally forgot the BEST thing Finn said on our trip. We were in the shower a the campsite, and I had gathered up all the stuff we needed, shampoo, body wash, conditioner, etc, and was bending over to put it down in the corner of the shower...

Finn: "Whoa Mom! Your butt is GIANT! Oh my god, its so GIANT when you put it right in my face!"

LOVE the use of the word GIANT here! Shit kid, "big" would suffice, but no, GIANT.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I am so funny.

Finns new favorite phrase "Iam so funny" oh shit, were in trouble now.


Me: Why dont you go outside with Dada?

Finn: Why? What he gonna do out dare? Mayve hes gonna poop out dare? Mayve hes gonna poop in da grass out dare?

Me: Yea, I doubt it, but anythings possible.

Finn: *wistfully* I wish he would poop in da grass out dare...Hee hee, I am so funny.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Assholes

Ok, so I know this blog is suppose to be the stuff my kids say. I am not nearly as charming as those towheads, (and I do have a really good, but a little embarrassing one of Finnys after this) but, I thought for those of you who dont know me (yea right like I have any followers who dont know me...wait I have one, Hi Taylor!) you might like a little insight as to where my kids come up with the shit they say. I mentioned on FB that I assulted, and verbaly abused a seagull, on our, what can only be described as Fucking Glorious (I love how in type you have no idea if I am being serious or sarcastic here), family trip to Lake Tahoe, but I didnt get into the sordid detail of this crime. Here is the story exactly as it happened....

I was minding my own business (ritz crackers), when a seagull started to approach me, I said to this seagull, and I quote "I will bash your head in Fuck Face", and proceeded to nail him, in the skull, with a half full gatorade bottle.

Now, the reason I want you to hear this story, is because, like most of my cussing rants, I had NO IDEA I was even thinking this until it had already come out of my mouth. One time, I walked in the house and said "Holy fucking shit balls of fire, whats with all the fucking ants." And here's the thing, I didn't even know I had said it, until our roommate repeated it back to me. I think I was pregnant with Finn at the time, thus and suchly, I believe it is genetic, just like homosexuality (POLITICAL SNEAK IN!)

So, I nailed a seagull, and the biggest pity is that there was only one witness, because really, it was a beautiful fucking shot. And you know what, don't get all PETA on me cause I don't even kill spiders in my house! I take 'em out side in a cup and set them free. And once, I pegged a squirrel in the head with a rock (because he got a little too close to my Nacho Cheese Doritos) and I felt really bad about it, cause I didn't mean to hit him, I was just trying to get him to back the fuck off, (Nach-yo Cheese fuckin' squirrel!) But I don't feel bad about the seagull, and I'd do it again, ya know why? Because FUCK SEAGULLS, that's why. And fuck geese too.


On to Finn. He was watching his favorite movie, Spaceballs, (I don't know how this happened, I didn't really remember how bad spaceballs was till I sat down and watched it with them one day, and good god, well by then the damage had already been done), so it was at the part where he says "How many assholes I got on this ship?" and Finn says in bewilderment, staring at the TV, "Even black aths-holths?! MOM! They even have Black Aths-holths!" Wait! He was totally talking about their uniforms!! See for your selves!






See the guys on the top floor in the back? Black uniform assholes. I was rollin' anyway...an important lesson to be learned here, "Yes dear, assholes come in all colors, sizes, shapes and sexual orentaions! We are in fact, as Dark Helmet so eloquently put it "surrounded by assholes." Ahhhh, the warm fuzzy feeling I get from teaching my children about diversity, I think these lessons will take them far in life! I really, really do, kudos to me.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

pee pee

‎"MAMA! I have to go peeeeeee. Or, maybe I can pee in a cup!"

Uh, no.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

D-bag

Reid: Mom, is 'douchebag' a bad word?

Me: Um, yea, its a pretty bad word. I would'nt say it if I were you, you'll probably get in pretty big trouble.

Reid: Yea, I figured it must be a bad word, since its like, your favorite thing to say.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Good, clean, jokes about car pooling

Reid and Finn are in the hot tub, wrestling. Finn starts crying.

Reid: Finn! Whats wrong? Finn? Finn!

Finn: Whaaaa, whaaaaa, whaaaaa.

Reid: Finn! Come on! Lets fight! You are ruining my whole day!

Ok, so that wasent even close to the funniest thing that happened to me today, my kids couldnt be this funny on their best day.


I was at Albertsons this morning, just as I am getting out of my car, a 'mom', a 'mom' that I can tell hates me approaches. Oh shit. I am going to get an earful about either my driving, music with explicit lyrics, yelling along to my music with explicit lyrics...my 5 years old singing right along with me.

"Brass Monkey! That funky monkey! I 've got the bottle, you've got the cup, come on everybody lets get..." God! Reid and I just LOVE that song!!! But I digress...

Lady: I just LOVE your sticker!!!

Me: Um...you do?

Lady: Oh YES! Its just so true! I mean really, if I am not giving you a ride, some one elses mom is. Ha ha ha! So clever.

Me: Uh, thanks.

Come on Reid, LETS GO! (before she figures out what it really means)








should make for some interesting conversation over dinner with her hubby.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I can make animals vomit with the sound of my voice.

Me: BA-BA-BA BEAN SPROUT!!!! LETS BLOW BA-BA-BA-BUBBLES!!!!! (sing songys voice)

Finn: Mom. just...don't

Me: Why? Why cant I sing??

Finn: Becauths Mom. The births are trying to eat.

Me: Ok, so why cant I sing when the birds are trying to eat.

Finn: (sigh) Mom. (shakes head) Becauths, when you sing, the births woose their attipiteths.



Ouch. I had no idea the mere sound of my voice could cause woodland creatures to feel nauseated. I really wish you could hear the disdain in his voice when he talks to me sometimes. It is so hilarious to hear his little lispy, three year old voice, so defeated by my actions. Its almost like I exhaust him. Like just my presence of being, is more than his little brain can take in one day...I wonder where he gets it ;)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Your father is dead inside

It has recently been brought to my attention that I have not posted in a while. All I have to say, I completely blame it on my kids. They just really haven't been that funny lately. I don't know what their f-ing problem is.

Me: Alright you little crotch fruit, you really need to come up with something funny, mama needs some new material for her blog.

Ok, are you ready? Set? Say something funny....


Spawn: Goo goo, gaa gaa, poo poo pee pee.

Me: Really? That's the best you've got? Come ON you guys, what do you think this is Grandmas house? That shit is SO not up to par with you usual.

Spawn: Ca ca doodie, butt face head.

Me: Your totally not even trying, I am super disappointed in you, I am prepared to with hold love until this situation is resolved.

(Please dont send me hate mail about how big of an asshole I am, obviously, Iam blurring the line between reality, and fantasy here. Ah fantasy, the sweet, sweet fantasy of calling your children "crotch fruit*")

update:

Finn had a pretty good jab for Dada this morning. He has been kind of a jerk to his Pops lately. Most likely because I do what I said I would never do, as in, "wait till your Dad gets home!!!!!" I know! I swore I would never do it, but you know what, I just cant scare those little shits like he can. I spank 'em and they laugh, he says its all in the wrist, but shit, I just cant seem to get it. But I digress.


I told him he had been being so mean to Daddy lately, its making Daddy really sad, and breaking his heart. His dead pan response to me, "Daddy doesn't have a heart"

aaaaaand scene.


*"crotch fruit" is from the brilliant collective minds of the MWDS.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I seriously can believe how lazy people are. There are so many cars lined up for the drive through Starbucks, that I can't even get into the parking lot of my gym. Finn was helping me find ways to deal with my frustration:



Me: LAZY, FUCKING, SHITHEADS! Don't say that Finn.

Finn: (takes thumb out of his mouth with a "POP") Ok, I wont Mommy. I will call them "Stupid Buttheads", and you can call them "Lazy Shitheads". (inserts thumb, and pats koala* on the butt)

Me: Perfect. But don't say "shithead".

Finn: (POP) I didn't mom. I said you call them "lazy shitheads". God, how many times I have to tell you? (Insert thumb, grope koala)

Me: One more.

Finn: (POP) Okay, I will. I call them "Stupid Buttheads", and you call them "Lazy Shitheads". Got it mom? (insert thumb, check koalas oil)

Me: Got it Finn.


* This is koala and Finn, in the throws of thumb sucking passion. Thumb sucking and koala go hand in hand like (insert clever analogy here). Every time he feels the soft caress of koalas beady, rattly ass, his thumb feels a gravitational like pull to his mouth, like a SAHM** to a bottle of vodka. (THERE it is!)




Don't you love the look on his face, I am definitely interrupting something here. And poor koala, he just looks like he feels dirty.


**Stay At Home Mom, for those of you who are not yet on this side of parent hood. We SAHM's we like our liquor, and our wine,and our beer, I think you get the point.

PS I hope you guys like my new blog pic, it depicts life in the McCord house perfectly! My favorite part is Topper licking his junk! Ha! Silly dog! It was an attempt at a Christmas card photo, and it remains one of my biggest regrets in life that we didn't use it for our Christmas cards. Oh well, I did blow it up and hang it above the fire place though, so its all good.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Reid: Can I have some candy?

Me: No.

Reid: Please?

Me: No.

Reid: Come ON Mom! Please?!? I said 'Please'!

Me: No. THE ANSWER IS NO. Stop asking me, I am not changing my mind, leave it alone, or get out of my room!

Reid: (climbing on to bed next me)

Me: (in my head) awwwww, hes sorry for being a jerk, he wants to cuddle with me, hes...hes...hes sitting on my pillow?

Reid: (letting one rip, right on my pillow,) That's what you get. (raises eyebrows and shrugs shoulders)

Farting is BIG in the McCord house. A fart can be an answer to a question, a statement, or a question it self. I am no where nearly as talented in the fart department as Miah and the boys, I am still learning the expert craft of FOD (Farting on demand) It took me years to embrace the farting way of life, and when I finally did, it was like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. After all this time trying to fight it, I have finally been able to let go, kind of like a fart in it self, really. But this? This is bullshit.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

What to do? What to do?

Me: Finn what do you want to do today?

Finn: I gonna put a poop hamburger in yours butt.

'nough said.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

If you live on my street and your dog is missing a toy, I have it. My dog seems to have a bit of the clepto in him. He took off an hour ago, and trotted proudly home with another dogs toy in his mouth. As it turns out, I am not to feel bad though, as Finn has assured me, that Topper has told him (in Spanish, of course), that the other dog said he could "bar-yo" it. Reid is under the impression that if Topper is going to speak Spanish then he should go live in Africa. Pretty sure thats raciest, but not exactly sure on which level. He didnt say it maliciously or anything, just very matter-of-factly, like all things Reid says, like yesterday when he said "hey, why dont you get lost?" Back to how to deal with it... "Reid, its not cool to tell people who speak any language that they need to return to their country or origin of any other country for that matter, unless you are in Arizona." I dont know, I let it slide.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

poop toy



In case you are not familiar with the "poop toy", this is the "poop toy":



video


A toy that is needed for poopie time, and in all honesty, evacuation cannot be accomplished with out it. From the bathroom this morning...

Toy: Old Mc Donald had a farm....

Finn: Mic Dick Donald have a CHICKEN!

Toy: ee-i-ee-i-ooohhhhh....

Finn: (unintelligible screaming, and maniacal laughing)

Toy: With a moo moo here....

Finn: YESSSSSSSTERDAY!!!!!!!

Toy: The barn is red!

Finn: You sir, are NOT...(unintelligible)...

Finn: MOM! I need you to do it!!!!

Great, ass wiping in the middle of breakfast, aaaaas usual.

Me: Wipe your own ass!

Finn: But I need you to brush my teeth.

Me: (head cocked like a golden retriever) But, your on the crapper?

Finn: I know, brush my teeth.

Happy Mother's Day ya'll. Hope your spawn treats you like the queens that you are, and there is no feces interrupting any of your meals today

Friday, May 7, 2010

From the "quote book"...

So, I had written that this blog was inspired by a "quote book". My Father in Law, Dale, has a little note pad he keeps in the kitchen to write down all the funny, and inappropriate shit that is said at family gatherings, to read and crack up at at the next family gathering. I tried to start my own, but kept loosing it, or could NEVER find a FUCKING pen, I mean holy shit, with the pens, but I digress, thus my decision to start a blog. Anywho, Here are a few of the gems from to small collection of my quote book....

Reid was, I think 3 at the time of all these ones:

"Good Morning Mommy!!! I had 2 boogers. One was long and skinny. The other was BIG and GREEN. Its on your door, if you wanna check it out"

The best thing about this, is how totally nonchalantly he informs me that the boogers, have come to rest on my BEDROOM DOOR. I wish you could have heard it, never found those boogers, scary.


Reid: "I hope you have a good night a sweet dreams Mommy."

Me: "Thank you baby. I hope you do too."

Reid: "Dream abooooout an orange robot."

Me: "uh-ok"

Reid: "and NO people...none, at all....no people"





Reid REALLY wanted to play with his cronies, but it was bath time, it was one of those long-as-mother-fucking days, Miah was exhausted, giving him a bath, just trying to keep the peace, I think he would have agreed to anything at this point, so the request could have been worse...

Miah:"Maybe tomorrow, if your a really good boy, you can play with Anna and Jordan."

Reid: "Aaaaaand maybe, you can watch Peter Pan, while I take a dump."

Miah:"Sure, sounds good."





Iam putting beers in the fridge, and Finn is carring on, whining and crying, cause he wants one...

Reid: "MOM! Just give him a beer, god!"

Finn has always liked beer, caught him pillaging the recycle bin one day polishing off empties from a week ago. Shit, not looking forward to the High School years with this one, on the other hand we will have a BLAST once hes over 21!

Theres a few more good ones, but Ill save em for a boring day.

Week in review-ish

These are all from the last week or two, they were all facebook posts, so they are most likely old news to ya'll, but in case you missed 'em, here they are!

Reid:"I dont want to be a boxer when I grow up."



Me: "Yea, they get hit in the head a lot and it makes 'em stupid."



Reid: "hummm, that makes me think Daniel use to be a boxer."



Reid: "Mom!! I have vows in my name!! An E and an I! And all the other letters are coincidence."



Reid is pretty sure I weigh more than the baby elephant at the Wild Animal Park:

Me: "Reid. Its an ELEPHANT!"


Reid: "Yea Mom. A BABY elephant!"

We have had this conversation like 20 times. Some time it goes like


Reid: "Mom, the baby elephant weighed 100 lbs."


Me: "I dont think thats right Reid, I weigh like 140."


Reid: "Yea Mom, I know, this was a baby, a BABY, dont you think you weigh more than a baby? Huh? Dont you?"



Finn:"MOM, I need you to find my Star Wars guy!!!!"


Me:"Well Finn your out of luck."


Finn:"MOM! Dont call me a bug!"


Me:"I didnt call you a bug you little shit, I said you out of luck!"


Finn:"MOOOOM!!!! DONT. CALL ME. A BUG."


Thursday, May 6, 2010

Welcome Mamacitas!

Reid: "Hey Mamacita! That means your beautiful in Spanish." Me: "I am pretty sure it means I am hot." Reid: "Hot? Like, hot how?" Me: "Like 'smokin' hot' hot." Reid: "Like 'Hot Shit'"? Me: "What!? Did you just say 'Hot Shit'? That is hilarious!" Reid: "No, mom! I said 'Hot Chick'! Geeze." I was gonna have to give him major props for "Hot Shit", while that is phrase I rarely, if ever use, (making it a mystery to me where he heard it) it is a super bad ass one, and I think I am going to start rockin' it more often.


I had been waiting for a good one to start this blog, I hope you guys can get as many laughs out of it as I do :) This being the first post, I want to make it clear that there will lots of cussing and otherwise "inappropriate" stuff on here. I dig "inappropriate" I find it quite funny, if you dont, thats cool too, dont waste you time here!

P.S. It will also be filled with spelling and grammatical errors, I dont care about that shit, F off.