Ok, so I know this blog is suppose to be the stuff my kids say. I am not nearly as charming as those towheads, (and I do have a really good, but a little embarrassing one of Finnys after this) but, I thought for those of you who dont know me (yea right like I have any followers who dont know me...wait I have one, Hi Taylor!) you might like a little insight as to where my kids come up with the shit they say. I mentioned on FB that I assulted, and verbaly abused a seagull, on our, what can only be described as Fucking Glorious (I love how in type you have no idea if I am being serious or sarcastic here), family trip to Lake Tahoe, but I didnt get into the sordid detail of this crime. Here is the story exactly as it happened....
I was minding my own business (ritz crackers), when a seagull started to approach me, I said to this seagull, and I quote "I will bash your head in Fuck Face", and proceeded to nail him, in the skull, with a half full gatorade bottle.
Now, the reason I want you to hear this story, is because, like most of my cussing rants, I had NO IDEA I was even thinking this until it had already come out of my mouth. One time, I walked in the house and said "Holy fucking shit balls of fire, whats with all the fucking ants." And here's the thing, I didn't even know I had said it, until our roommate repeated it back to me. I think I was pregnant with Finn at the time, thus and suchly, I believe it is genetic, just like homosexuality (POLITICAL SNEAK IN!)
So, I nailed a seagull, and the biggest pity is that there was only one witness, because really, it was a beautiful fucking shot. And you know what, don't get all PETA on me cause I don't even kill spiders in my house! I take 'em out side in a cup and set them free. And once, I pegged a squirrel in the head with a rock (because he got a little too close to my Nacho Cheese Doritos) and I felt really bad about it, cause I didn't mean to hit him, I was just trying to get him to back the fuck off, (Nach-yo Cheese fuckin' squirrel!) But I don't feel bad about the seagull, and I'd do it again, ya know why? Because FUCK SEAGULLS, that's why. And fuck geese too.
On to Finn. He was watching his favorite movie, Spaceballs, (I don't know how this happened, I didn't really remember how bad spaceballs was till I sat down and watched it with them one day, and good god, well by then the damage had already been done), so it was at the part where he says "How many assholes I got on this ship?" and Finn says in bewilderment, staring at the TV, "Even black aths-holths?! MOM! They even have Black Aths-holths!" Wait! He was totally talking about their uniforms!! See for your selves!
See the guys on the top floor in the back? Black uniform assholes. I was rollin' anyway...an important lesson to be learned here, "Yes dear, assholes come in all colors, sizes, shapes and sexual orentaions! We are in fact, as Dark Helmet so eloquently put it "surrounded by assholes." Ahhhh, the warm fuzzy feeling I get from teaching my children about diversity, I think these lessons will take them far in life! I really, really do, kudos to me.
4 years ago