Inspired by my Father in laws "quote book", it will only be the funniest, and most though provoking of statements, I am gonna try not to do too much mushy shit, its just for laughs after all.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

I am sure you guys remember when my friend Jenna had a baby, and I had those wonderful words of inspiration for her, right?

Well, a TON of bitches around me be havin' babies right now. And once again I, eloquently worked 'vagina' into a baby shower greeting card for my girl, Angela.

Huh?! Huh!?! Am I right ladies? Thats okay, I know I am. The second kid also give you chimpanzee tits, but Iam really trying to see how many cards I get the word "vagina" on. Total so far, 2 and counting!

And since this blog is suppose to be about my kids, heres a video of Finn, cracking my shit up. He hasn't been saying much funny stuff lately, more cute, bordering on creepy, about how he loves his "Reidy Buddy", and his "Ghost Friend Brother". But he is always funny, even when hes trying to be serious.

I wish I could figure out to turn it the right way. I think my favorite part is when he drops his sandwich on the ground, and then picks it up and eats it. No wasted food in the McCord house!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

There is NO what

I know kids ask questions. I get it. Its fine. Its even pretty cool, that they question authority, and religion, and TV and everything else in the universe. But you know whats not cool? When they question ME. I am not talking the "why is the sky blue?" or "why cant I have cake for breakfast". Sure those are hard to answer, or frustrating, but at least they make sense. The caliber of questions Finn has been pounding me with lately, leave me questioning my own identity, sanity, capability, and sexual orientation. And anyone who ever said "There is no such thing as a dumb question!" (in a nasal, school marmy voice) has never met my kids. Questions, that do not even follow the logical linear path of the conversation we are having. Questions, like this...

Finn: Mom, are pants with holes in the knees cool?

Me: yep.

Finn: How?

Me: "How?" What do you mean, "How?".

Finn: How are they?

Me: I don't know "how", they just are. "How" is not really applicable in this situation.

Finn: Why?

Me: Because, It doesn't make sense, there is no reason "how" they are cool.

Finn: Where?

Me: Anywhere. Wait, you kn..... Finn, PLEASE stop asking dumb questions. Sometimes there is no "how" or "why". Sometimes there is no "when", or "where", okay Finn?

Finn: Okay Mommy, okay, I got you, I got you.....Mommy?

Me: Yes Finn?

Finn: What?

Finn: (in deep, mechanical Darth Vader voice) Mom. Come, to the Dark Side.

Me: Uh, I don't really want to Finn.

Finn: (Normal lispy Finn voice) S'okay Mom, Its not really that dark here.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Park Time Fun!

I don't really know what was more fun at the park this morning, listening to little bitches talk shit to their parents, or listening to a young childless dude talk to his dog. You can be the judge. Oh, and before you judge me for getting all my kicks by eves-dropping on other peoples conversations, instead of watching the joy on my child's faces as they frolic, let me remind you, to fuck off. And also, that you never know when I may be listening to your conversation! MUHAHAHAHA!

Little bitch: DAD! Don't follow me!!!

Pussy Dad: I am not, I am going my own way.

Little Bitch: Don't go your own way either!

Pussy Dad: Sorry, I am just trying to get back to the playground from the ice cream truck.

Little Bitch: WELL STOP! GOD!

Me: Hey Pops! Why you take that ice cream cone and eat it in front of her really slowly making "yum yum" noises while she bawls her stupid little eyes out? Better yet, why don't you slap her in her ugly face with it. Both very good ideas, your choice.

ok, so I didn't really say the last part, but I swear to you, on a bunch of holy shit I don't believe in, that the rest is true. She is going to make an AWESOME wife one day.

Childless dude while a little girl approaches his giant dog:

Him: You have to ask to pet the dog!

Little girl: (Pets dog without asking any-fucking way)

Him: Your really should ask first!

Little girl: (Looks him square in the eye, pets the fucking dog again, walks away)

Him (to dog): Bad dog. You should have bit her face off like I taught you to do when they don't ask first.

Not what you were expecting right? Is that not amazing?!?! Yeah, pretty sure that one wins.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Hes not sure if he wants to fight the dark side, or shit on it.

In the car yesterday morning:

Finn: If I see a billain (villain) I will rip out his tongue, and eat it, den I will grab out his heart and eat it, den I will kick him in the wiener.

and his most recent poo rant:

If you listen really carefully, you can hear Darth Vader breathing, and light saber noises, not sure which orifice they are coming from...