Inspired by my Father in laws "quote book", it will only be the funniest, and most though provoking of statements, I am gonna try not to do too much mushy shit, its just for laughs after all.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Gratuitous butt sniffing..isn't all butt sniffing gratuitous, after all.

Our cat "Sam" (girl), likes to go up to the dog and stick her ass right in his face, then she gets all pissy and offended when he sniffs it! What a prick tease. And then she sicks it right. back. in his face.

Reid: Ha! Look at Sam. Sticking her butt in the boys face, just like a real human girl. (smiling and shaking his head)

Reid playing with his transformers:

T1: Hey! You stabbed me in the junk!

T2: I know! Because I like to!

T1: But WHY!?!

T2: Because!!!! I like to. God.

In other news, ya'll are missing an amazing poo-rant right now. I mean really special, to the tune of lots of angry gibberish, and role playing.

In other other news, the rants result was a 20 min plunger for Dad.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

We keep our selves entertained.

I can't tell you the tooth drama is this crib the last month. Reid had his first loose tooth, and being the sweet wittle hoarder that he is, he didn't want it to come out, wouldn't pull it, wouldn't let anyone pull it, barely wiggled it. He wanted to keep it forever, along with our dead fish,every single pair of shoes he has ever owned, and a wristband from a rafting trip that he kept on his wrist for 5 weeks, until it finally started to rot and disintegrate. Back to the tooth, you know he wasen't letting that fucker go, for real. So he devised a little plan:

Sorry you guys, my phone would focus on the note in video mode. Now obviously, Reid isn't not able to write a note saying all that himself, so his loving Dad was all too happy to have Reid dictate, and he wrote:

Friday, September 17, 2010

Bring your fuckin' A game

Did you guys know there are 2 teams in my house? No? Neither did I, Reid has informed me the there indeed two factions within the McCord walls.

Reid, Finn, and Miah are on the "Wiener Team", and I, all by my lonesome, am the soul member of the most awesomest "Team Vagina".

The Wiener team excels at "wrestling", "riding things", and "playing games". Team Vagina strengths are, "resting" (awesome), and, get this, "NOT driving". Yea, that's right, according to my son, I am really good at NOT driving. So if any of you bitches wanna have a "NOT drive-athon, better bring you fuckin' "A" game, that goes for a "resting" contest too.

Team Vagina's new goal in life is to find a friend names Scott, so I can call him Scott the Twat. Not like in a mean way, in a "you are totally my best friend so I can call you twat" kind of way. You guys know what I mean, like I only call my closest girlfriends "Bitch Face", if I don't like you I will most likely not even waste a cuss word on you. I save "Whore Bag" for only the people that I really love, like my daughter*, or your mom.

*I don't have a daughter, (obviously, cause I am the only person on Team Vagina) but if I did, there is no doubt in my mind she would actually be a "Whore Bag", cause the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, right?

Monday, September 6, 2010

A few little nuggets from Finn..not those kind of nuggets! EW!

Sunday drive:

Reid: Dad, why do you talk so much?

Dad: Beacuse I like to talk.

Reid: See, you just did it again.

Dad: Yea, I did, and I am gonna keep doing it till I die, so get used to it.

Finn (with the sweet little lispy voice, and the ultimate-burn. Thumb "pops" out): I wish you would die.(thumb back in)

and yesterday:

Finn (From the shitter): Daaaaaaad! Bring me a book!! I need a book while I am dumping!!!

Learning a lot in preschool I see:

Finn: wook what I made!!!

Dad: Wow Finn! Thats great! What is it?

Finn: Its a number, but I ate some of it...

Dad: Its a letter...

Finn: Yea, its a letter.

Dad: What letter is it?

Finn: E!

Dad: No

Finn: M!

Dad: No again

Finn: T?

Dad: nooooo

Finn: 10!

Dad: Can you count to ten?

Finn: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 7-11, 19, 12.

Dad: Awesome. (because its SO important to encourage them at this age)

Friday, September 3, 2010

You wish I was your friend

So, my girlfriend is in the hospital right now, cause she just had a little baby! AWWWWWWWWWW....

Which is really disgusting actually. Not her baby, shes gorgeous, so she has super cute babies, not one of those ugly wrinkly "old man" lookin' babies.

Birthing babies in general is the disgusting part. I can say that, cause I have had 2. I mean, she had a C-section, so its not quite as gross, I imagine, and having your vagina turned inside out. Speaking of inside out vagina....(clinky, wind chimey music, as I stare off into the distance, and the picture gets fuzzy)

I remember when I was giving birth to my first little "bundle of joy", and the nurse asked me if I wanted a mirror, a MIRROR?!?!? (I cant get enough exclamation and question marks after this) WHAT THE FUCK WOULD I NEED A MIRROR FOR?!?! Unless you are trying to tell me my eyebrows need plucking (which they almost always do) You better step off with mirror, or I am liable to shove it up your baby delivery shoot.

Back to the grossness. If you need a little more birth control, ask my husband, he'd be happy to tell you about all the gory details, and how hard he tried to get out of watching the whole thing, (it was so funny, hes was all "I'll just stay up here, by your head", and I was all "perfect." and then the nurses were all "come over here Daddy, we need you to help hold Mommy's leg!" Hahahaha! He had to see it, and I didn't!!) and how bad it smelled (really, he is very insistent that the smell is the worst part), and how sore he was the next day. No shit you guys. Right after I pushed out our second screaming monster, he said, straight faced, and I quote "I am going to be REALLY sore tomorrow." In his defense, he was referring to the fact that he was rubbing my back to help with the "back labor" and I was screaming like a woman in labor, (oddly enough), "HARDER DAMMIT!!!! PUSH HARDDDDDDEEEERRRRR!" And he was giving it everything he had, for real, he was sweating and shit, and I wouldn't let up, I just wanted him to punch me in the kidneys. Ahhhhhh memories, sweet, memories, of a pain so intense, you wish your husband would punch you in the kidneys.

So, if you haven't had kids yet, and the phrases "back labor" and "inside-out vagina" and "MIRROR" didn't close that door for ya, give me a call, and I'll seal the deal.

Anyway, I thought "what did I really want when I was in the hospital, besides an ice pack attached to my taint?"

Hummmmm, what is a good sentiment to go along with such a PERFECT gift?

I know, I know, that Emily Post bitch could learn a thing or 12 right? Is underlining "vagina" too much? I really wanted to put the emphasis on "vagina".

P.S. sorry about the lack of things my kids say in this post, they've been pretty boring lately, and I wouldn't want to subject you to their inadequacies. I am one of those "stage moms", they are only featured when they are at their best.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I TOLD you I was smart.

I don't want to brag or anything, but I KICK ASS at answering 3 year olds questions. I mean, I am really something incredible. I have a feeling these answers at this super developmenticaly time in their life, will really make a difference of like, what college they drop out of and shit. Don't believe me? See for yourself!!

Q: Mama, whats that for?

A. What?


A: WHAT?!?! That tree? That sign? That car?


A: The line? In the sidewalk?

Q: Yea!

A: What is it for?

Q: Yea! What is it FOR?

A: Uh, its not for anything. Its just a line separating one piece of sidewalk for the other, it has no purpose, it does nothing, but collect shit.

Question #2

Q: Mama, where does the cold air come from?

A: What cold air?

Q: The cold air from the air con-dish-ner, in the car!

A: Do I look like a fucking mechanic to you?

Question # 3

Q: Mama, can I have a yellow one?

A: A yellow what?

Q: A yellow ONE!

A: A yellow ONE of WHAT?

Q: A yellow one of everything!?

A: No.

See. I told you. If your dumbass 3 year old has a question that your too stupid to answer, send it my way! I'd be more than happy to hook a bitch up.